DAY 1: House Hunters (Saumur & Nantes)
Abbaye Royale de Fontevraud
Founded in 1101 as a base for the Fontevraud order, which spread as far as Spain and England, the abbey offered its residents an ideal environment to practice abstinence and poverty, if you can call those things ideal. The last abbess was evicted in 1792, after the French Revolution, and the abbey was turned into a prison under orders of Napoleon Bonaparte, though from the sound of it, it was basically a prison all along. Don't miss the church where Henry II and his wife, along with his son, Richard the Lionheart, are buried, as well as the cloisters, chapter house and former salmon smokehouse, unfortunately no longer in operation. BYO salmon.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.fontevraud.fr for tickets, opening times and more information.
bonus: armor museum
Although this tank museum holds the largest collection of armored fighting vehicles in the world, the British Tank Museum has the largest overall number of tanks; they should totally go to battle to decide which museum is better which is as good of a reason as any to go to war and entirely feasible as many of the tanks are in working order. As exciting as it is to watch tank demonstrations, keep in mind tanks in captivity suffer from poor conditions; they don't live long. Release them to the battlefield where they belong.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.museedesblindes.fr for opening times and more information.
Pierre et Lumière
In one place, you'll see some of the best sights of the Loire Valley, or limestone-carved recreations of them, set inside a troglodyte man-cave, where troglodyte men would take off their pants, and throw back some brewskis, while seeking temporary refuge from their overbearing wives. A combo ticket gives you access to nearby Musee du Champignon, where you could learn a thing or two about the cultivation of mushrooms. Also set in a cave, it's probably where the troglodytic women were relegated to make dinner.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.pierre-et-lumiere.com for opening times and more information.
Hélice terrestre
French artist Jacques Warminski spent five years "carving" out a niche of cave-sculpture art, an abstract staircase that descends into a cave filled with carvings of stairs as well as step and scale-like imagery. With great acoustics, it doubles as a concert venue so you may stumble upon an impromptu performance, or feel inclined to share your talents with a group of unsuspecting tourists.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit heliceterrestre.canalblog.com for opening times and more info.
Rochemenier Village Troglodytique
What looks like a prehistoric farm settlement was actually lived in as recently as the 1930's (from as far back as the 13th century). While it would certainly qualify as "roughing it," there's a certain charm to it that almost makes you want to stay the night, unless of course you actually could, in which case you'd definitely choose not to but it's nice to think about on your way back to the Ritz.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.troglodyte.fr for opening times and more information.
Troglodytes et sarcophages
After touring all these cozy caves you might think you're on the troglodyte version of House Hunters. "The last one was renovated very nicely. This one has a more unique history, but it needs a ton of R&R. It's such a tough decision. I think we'll have to sleep on it Suzanne." The history is, this cave was used for the production of coffins between the 5th and 9th centuries. (If starting a business, consider something death-related - it's always in demand.) Take the rare opportunity to lie down in a coffin and live to tell the tale.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.troglo-sarcophages.fr for opening times and more information.
bonus: Passage pommeraye
Commissioned by King Louis-Philippe in 1843 and designed by Louis Pommeraye, this mall was intended to give an economic boost to a downtrodden neighborhood and it worked! Nobody can resist a new mall, especially the one that invented window-shopping; before this, storefronts were usually dark; they basically all looked like sex shops, and there's nothing sketchier than walking into a store with tinted windows (trust me I know). But here everything is in the open; leave your sick fetishes at home!
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.passagepommeraye.fr for opening times and more information.
machines of the isle of nantes
Opening in 2007, this series of interactive sculptures were also built to promote the city Nantes and it worked again! They're both artistically unique and fun to climb and if there's one way to get people to visit your city, it's to make them feel like children again.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.lesmachines-nantes.fr for map of sculptures, opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: NANTES
DAY 2: Fixer Uppers (Loire River & Atlantic Coast)
La Maison dans la Loire
Thankfully not someone's actual house ("Honey, did you fix that leak yet?") but a work of art by French artist Jean-Luc Courcoult, installed in 2007, imagining a house mistakenly built too close to the Loire. It might be flooded but those water views are to die for.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.nantes-tourisme.com for more information.
Chapelle de Bethléem
Originally built in the Middle Ages, adjacent to an ancient Druid ceremonial site, this chapel was restored in 1995 and re-fashioned with pinnacles incorporating monsters from Alien and Gremlins among others to represent major aspects of Christianity. If you're wondering how a church allowed such blasphemy, it was an attempt to appeal to the town's youth. Little did they know the youth are not easily appeased and did not go back to church, but it was still a very respectable attempt to make Christianity cool again.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
Villa Cheminée
Another house on the Loire that's not really a house but an art installation, this one built by Japanese artist Tatzu Nishi. The base is reminiscent of a chimney from a nearby power plant with a fully habitable house on top. The views are great but it's a walk-up.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.nantes-tourisme.com for more information.
Serpent d'Ocean
The Loch Ness monster, apparently fed up with all the monster hunters in Scotland, escaped to the beaches of France, where he lived out his best life before passing away of natural causes on the coast where the Loire meets the Atlantic. That's the unofficial story behind this sculpture by Chinese artist Huang Yong Ping, which takes upon different appearances depending on tide's level.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.nantes-tourisme.com for more information.
Alignements de Carnac
Nobody knows why this collection of over 3,000 megalithic-era standing stones was erected in the first place. Early Christians believed that these stones were an army of pagans that were chasing after the pope and turned to stone by God, a perfectly valid scientific explanation - the pope has friends in high places. These stones are more likely the result of an appreciation for astronomy on the part of their builders, certainly a nice gesture, but really unnecessary - some of these stones weigh 70 tons.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.menhirs-carnac.fr for tickets, opening times, and more information.
Phare d'Eckmuhl
Completed in 1897, this still-active lighthouse is one of the tallest of its kind in the world so you're practically guaranteed gorgeous views from the top, if you can handle the 307 steps it takes to get there, though it may be hard to enjoy the view if you're having a exercise-induced asthma attack. Equally rewarding and far less soul-crushing, is a casual stroll along the seaside, stone pathways.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.brittanytourism.com for opening times and more information.
Usine de concassage de galets
Here lie the remains of a pebble crushing plant, built by the Nazis in 1943 to provide pebbles for building the Atlantic Wall, a series of defense fortifications along the European coast to protect from an Allied invasion, though it wasn't enough to prevent America ('murica!) and Allied forces from quickly penetrating Europe and eventually crushing the Nazi regime to pebbles. The remains are technically closed due to unstable structures and presence of bat colonies, a perfect secret hideout for a possible French Batman.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes.
Chapel Languidou
What little is known about these 13th century chapel ruins is deduced from various inscriptions around the site; your guess is as good as anyone else's. It's best not to dwell too much on the history and simply enjoy the tranquil nature of these ruins and the surrounding environment. One secret feature that most people miss is the Fountain of Languidou, 100 meters downhill from the chapel. It's frequently covered in vegetation but if you do find it, you'll feel like a real Indiana Jones; keep an eye out for snakes.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: ARMORIQUE
DAY 3: Knight in Shining Armorique (Armorique National Park)
Armorique Natural Regional Park
From coastal cliffs and stunning beaches to epic hilltop views and an enchanted forest, this park has something for everyone. For the weary, rest is in abundance all along the coast. For the restless, you'll find adventure inland. Try to get the best of both worlds.
Visit www.brittanytourism.com for more information.
What to See Inside:
Pen-hir Point
A short walk from the parking lot takes you to the cliff's edge for dramatic views of the ocean, unique rock formations, and a monument honoring the Bretons, (people who are native to Brittany) who died in World War II so that you can enjoy your view of the ocean. You don't even deserve this gorgeous view.
60 minutes. Visit www.crozon-bretagne.com for more info.
cap de la chevre
This seaside promenade offers another impressive view but don't waste any time up top when there's a beautiful, secret beach waiting for you down below. Technically swimming is not allowed although that hasn't stopped us from drowning.
2-3 hours. Visit www.crozon-bretagne.com for more info.
Mont Saint-Michel de Brasparts
A short walk takes you to the top of a hill where you'll find a small chapel and 360 degree views from the highest point in Armorique. Either way it's bound to be a spiritual experience. From up here, you get the best views of the Elez Yeun marsh-lands, purported to be a gate to hell. It's said that people are dragged into the marshes by hellish forces and the only way to be released is to pray to St Michael who happens to live in this chapel. Yeah... we'll stay up here and chill with St. Michael.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes.
huelgoat forest
This ancient forest, with its mossy canopy and unique rock formations, is sure to fire up the imagination. If you ask the locals they'll tell you that this forest was the home of Jesus Christ and King Arthur who had they lived here in the same era, would've made for very interesting roommates. Do not miss the Devil's Grotto or La Roche Tremblante in your visit.
2 hours. Visit www.brittanytourism.com for more info.
valley of saints
Reminiscent of the standing stones of Carnac, or even Easter Island, these 50 modern-day totems by artist Philippe Abjean are part of a planned 1,000 sculptures, honoring the founding saints of Brittany. Someone has their work "cut out" for them.
1 hour. Visit www.brittanytourism.com for more info.