DAY 1: Live Fast, Die Young (8th Arr. & 18th Arr.)
Arc di triomphe
Originally the largest of its kind in the world, this massive arch was commissioned by Napoleon in 1806 both to celebrate a military victory and to compensate for his miniature... stature. It wasn't completed until 30 years later, by which point Napoleon had kicked the bucket and it was dedicated not to Napoleon's ego but to all the soldiers who died during his conquests and in wars afterward including the unknown soldier from World War I, entombed before the arch. Although it was built as a symbol of French triumph, it also serves as a symbol of defeat, especially against Hitler, who famously walked through the arch on his victory march. The arch may have even jinxed France's military might, as the French are known more for surrendering than anything else. To add insult to injury it is no longer the largest arch, surpassed by the Arch of Triumph in North Korea and Monumento a la Revolucion in Mexico.
Suggested duration: 20 minutes. Visit www.paris-arc-de-triomphe.fr for more information.
BONUS: musee jaqcemart andre or musee nissim de camondo
The story of Edouard Andre and Nelie Jaqcemart is kind of like the Brady Bunch except instead of getting married and merging their children, they got married and merged their individually impressive art collections, a high-brow version of the Brady Bunch, and went on to amass the largest collection of Italian art in France. Given their high status, they may have still had a sassy maid. The story of the Nissim de Camondo museum is a tragic one. It's named after the son of its benefactor Moise de Camondo, who was killed in World War I. After his own death, his daughter and her family were sent to Auschwitz, where they also died. It is now preserved in its original state with a grand display of decorative arts - they may not have lived long, but at least they lived large.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit musee-jacquemart-andre.com or madparis.fr for tickets, opening times and more info.
grand orient de france
Normally shrouded in mystery, the Freemasons have often been accused of practicing Satanism, mostly by those who are jealous they weren't invited to their super exclusive sex parties. Unfortunately, not all press is good press, especially when Satan's involved, so the normally-secretive French Masons built this public museum in part to preserve history but also just to show that they're just like the rest of us, except that they write in weird symbols, practice unnecessarily complicated rituals and wear funny clothes. After the shroud has been lifted, the truth will be revealed - that the freemasons are just a bunch of nerds, making it unlikely that they're having any sex parties. So while you shouldn't expect any sex parties coming here, at least you can learn something about history.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.godf.org for opening times and more info.
BONUS: Montmartre cemetery
One of several cemeteries built in the early 19th century to relieve overcrowded graveyards in the city, Montmarte itself became a rather trendy place to be buried, attracting the likes of the painter Edgar Degas, writer Alexander Dumas of Count of Monte Cristo fame, as well as new-wave filmmaker Francois Truffault. If you want some closure for your earlier museum tour, you may visit the grave of Edouard Andre (Nelie Jacquemat curiously buried elsewhere), plus the father-son duo of Moise and Nissim de Camondo.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.montmartre-guide.com for opening times and more information.
bonus: tombees du camion
If your home is filled with trinkets and chachkas, you should really consider minimalism, but until then you can find more cute, but ultimately useless things to add to your collection at this store which translates to "goods that have fallen off the back of a truck." Items range from somewhat useful (vintage toilet paper) to completely useless (doll heads), yet once you're inside this market of junk, you'll find yourself enamored by its charm and maybe buy some vintage postcards or a unique keepsake for your friend or maybe you'll just keep it all for yourself, setting off a chain of events, ending with you being featured on an episode of Hoarders.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit tombeesducamion.bigcartel.com for opening times and more information.
le mur des je t'aime
The "wall of love" was created by artists Federic Baron and Claire Kito in 2000, featuring the words "I love you" written 311 times in 250 languages. It's meant to be a place of reconciliation so if you ever screw up in your relationship, this might be a good place to take your partner to make amends, though just being in Paris in general should do it. If this doesn't work, theres always diamonds.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes. Visit www.montmartre-guide.com for more information.
PLACE du tertre
The former home of modern art, where painters like Picasso and Renoir both lived and worked, is a fitting place for local artists to display their work or try to hassle you into getting your portrait painted. Normally you'd do your best to avoid a touristy scene like this but with such colorful surroundings, this may be one of the few places in the world where getting a portrait done is warranted.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.montmartre-guide.com for more information.
le passe muraile
"The man walks through walls" but apparently had some trouble with this one. Sculpted by artist Jean Marais, it commemorates the writer Marcel Ayme, who happens to have lived in the house behind the wall. Ayme wrote a short short of the same name as the statue in which a man discovers he has the power to walk through walls and uses it for nefarious purposes, such as adultery and theft, and messing with his nasty boss (okay... that one's fair game) though his powers eventually abandon him mid-escape, leaving him stuck in a wall to this very day, where has has almost certainly had plenty of time just to think about what he's done.
Visit www.montmartre-guide.com for more information.
sacre coeur cathedral
The cathedral of the "sacred heart" (referring to Jesus, who else?) was completed in 1914 on the same site where druids, Romans, and early Christians worshipped; surely they can't all be wrong. The first Catholic chapel here was built to honor the first bishop of Paris, St. Denis, who was beheaded by Romans mid-sermon, but his mouth miraculously continued to deliver the sermon (and yet even the miracle of a talking head probably couldn't keep the congregants awake during that wordy sermon). If there's one thing that will almost certainly keep you awake here, it's the hike up the bell tower for some awesome views of Paris at a short distance.
Visit www.sacre-coeur-montmartre.com for opening times and more information.
montmartre
This former budget-friendly artist's haven may not "be what it used to be," but from an outsider's perspective, how much more French can a neighborhood possibly get with its cobblestone paths, charming cafes and boutique stores. It's so quintessentially French, that it's often featured as a cinematic backdrop, appearing in several films such as An American in Paris, Moulin Rouge and Amelie. With it's many cavernous, yet charming roads, you could get easily lost here and you won't be aching to get found.
Visit www.montmartre-guide.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: PARIS
DAY 2: Peaks and Valley of Death (7th Arr. & 14th Arr.)
Les invalides
The National Residence of the Invalids was commissioned in 1670 by Louis XIV and was completed in just 6 years. It was originally built as a hospital and retirement home for war veterans, invalids referring to those injured in military service - not a commentary on France's military prowess. It now holds several museums, mostly pertaining to France's military history, where there's sufficient evidence to show you that France actually has quite an impressive military record (they only surrendered one time, maybe twice). The highlight of your visit will be the tomb of Napoleon, who despite his stature and perhaps to compensate for it, brought France to the peak of its global influence. You'll find his tomb in the Dome of the Invalids, quite ironic given his lifelong need for validation.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.musee-armee.fr for tickets, opening times, and more information.
musee de plans relief
The military models housed in this museum were built between the time of Louis XIV and Napoleon Bonaparte for the purpose of plotting out their military strategies, though you can't help but imagine these powerful men using them as backdrops to play with their little action figures behind closed doors. You won't be able to play with them, but it's a unique snapshot of France at its peak.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.museedesplansreliefs.culture.fr for opening times and more information.
Rodin museum
Auguste Rodin donated most of his life's work toward the establishment of this museum, to be housed in the mansion in which he was living at the time but not until after he died. (If he was like any other older person, he wouldn't have wanted any strangers on his lawn, let alone inside his house.) Now that he's dead, you're free to roam around his house and gardens, where you'll see over 6500 of his sculptures, including some of his most famous works The Thinker and The Kiss, without being told to get off the lawn.
Visit www.musee-rodin.fr for more information.
BONUS: montparnasse cemetery
The second largest cemetery in Paris following Pere Lechaise is worth a visit for it's ornate and antique tombstones and funerary sculptures, such as the cat-shaped tomb designed by Niki St. Phalle for her assistant Ricardo Menon, who fortunately died before he could stage a protest, and the statue Eternal Sleep by Horace Daillion at the center of the cemetery. If you have some interest in existentialist thought you can visit the grave of Sarte; it would be hard not to have existentialist thoughts walking in a cemetery.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.travelfranceonline.com for opening times and more information.
montparnasse tower
It's no longer the tallest building in Paris, but it's still the highest view of Paris you can possibly get. It was famously scaled by Alain "Spiderman" Robert in 1995 without the use of any safety devices but no pressure - there's no shame in just taking the elevator up.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.tourmontparnasse56.com for tickets, opening times, and more information.
catacombs of paris
These tunnels were built at the turn of the 19th century to relieve cemeteries from overcrowding and the often-exposed, disease-spreading bodies, which in times of heavy flooding would casually float down the streets. (Look mommy, it's grandma!) Over six million bodies were reinterred in the 200 miles of tunnels that make up the catacombs, just a fraction of which are accessible via tour; the rest are inaccessible and some of it has never even been explored, which has given rise to the community of cataphiles, or catacomb explorers (not people sexually attracted to catacombs, though even if they were, that would be okay nowadays). If you are one of those intrepid explorers, there's much to discover down there such as "the oasis," where you can take a swim in a natural spring likely filled with bones (the mineral content is probably good for the skin), remnants of underground Nazi bunkers and active mushrooms farms. But with the threat of getting lost and reports of ghosts and secret societies lurking about it might be best to stick to your regularly-scheduled tour because if you die down there it will be infinitely harder to identify your remains.
Tour duration: 45 minutes. Visit www.catacombes.paris.fr for tickets, opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: PARIS
DAY 3: Preserved for Posterity
carnavalet museum
Paris is the city of love but it also has a rich history which you can learn all about through the artifacts displayed in this museum, from Roman times through the revolution. If you really love Paris you'll take some time to learn its history - otherwise it's just lust.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.carnavalet.paris.fr for opening times and more information.
Editor's Note: museum currently closed for renovations, reopening in 2020.
place de vosges
Commissioned by Henry IV in the early 1600's, it was originally called Place Royale, a perfect name for a perfectly symmetrical square with 36 mansions side-by-side, that used to house royalty, until the French Revolution happened, turning it into a shelter for the homeless... just kidding. It's more exclusive than ever and the few places not turned into museums and galleries are only affordable to the ultra-elite - history repeats itself, evidently. But with all the Jews and gays settled nearby, it's much less stuffy.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.parismarais.com for more information.
hotel de sens
This mansion is said to be one of the oldest original mansions in Paris, completed in 1519 but it took a beating during and after the French Revolution, completely losing its dignity when it served as a canning factory in the late 1800's. The only original feature left is the fireplace and the cannonball lodged in the wall atop the building's facade. If these walls could talk, they would need therapy.
Suggested duration: 5-10 minutes. Visit www.parismarais.com for opening times and more information.
Coulet Vertee rene
Also known as Promenade Plantee, this elevated park runs the length of an abandoned railroad track, much like New York City's Highline. Also like the Highline, strolling the Promenade gives you an opportunity to creepily watch people in neighboring homes.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.travelfranceonline.com for opening times and more information.
Rue cremieux
You know that girl whose Instagram pictures make your life feel worthless by comparison? She's probably had her picture taken here and so should you if you have any self-respect. Much like Bywater Street in England (Northern England Part 1), it's basically just a row of colorful homes but with a non-fictional history, named after Adolph Cremieux - defender of Jewish rights in France.
Suggested duration: 5-10 minutes. Visit www.travelfranceonline.com for more information.
Pavilions of bercy - musee des art forains
These 19th century wine cellars, set among picturesque environs, were fully restored to accommodate a variety of museums, the most unique among them displaying fairground art, a fancy way to say carnival rides. And yes, you can even ride some of them. It's too bad the cellars are gone; that would've made for a fun afternoon! Fortunately children don't need alcohol to have fun yet.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.travelfranceonline.com for more information.
pere lachaise
The largest cemetery in Paris is also most visited cemetery in the world, with many famous graves to see and plenty of space to reflect on life and love (or death and heartbreak, depending on your outlook in life.) In one cemetery, you can visit the graves of novelist Honore de Balzac, composer Frederic Chopin, poet Oscar Wilde, and musician Jim Morrison (who wouldn't love to be an angel on the wall during that far-reaching, heavenly conversation). You can also see the Federalists Wall, marking the site where the last 147 members of the short-lived Paris Commune, a radical socialist government, were summarily executed, then buried in one mass grave in 1871 (because apparently communists have been hated throughout time). The award for most heartbreaking burial though goes to Abelard and Heloise, 12th century star-crossed lovers. Abelard was a popular theologian whose teachings were ahead of his time (heretical and deserving of death). Heloise was his brightest student with whom he fell in love (definitely would not fly in today's climate, but sounds totally romantic in retrospect), and with whom he had a secret child. Adding to their growing list of problems: she happened to be the niece of one of the higher ups at Notre Dame. When he found out about all of this, he sent his men to castrate Abelard (dick move!). The pair were then forced to retire to separate abbeys, where they spent the rest of their lives writing each other intensely-horny letters until their deaths. At least they are buried together, (not all mass burials are bad) so hopefully they're getting it on in heaven. You can visit their grave and then hug your significant other tightly.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.perelachaisecemetery.com for more information.
Les 5 dalles de la guillotine
Five indentations in the pavement are all that remains of the guillotine where 69 people were beheaded over the course of fifty years in the latter half of the 1800s. Five slabs once stood here to hold up the base of the guillotine, adjacent to the entrance of the former Prison de la Roquette for easy access. There's not much to see here other than the indentations and a small plaque written in French, which is perhaps for the best. If you were around back then, public beheadings were a form of entertainment.
Suggested duration: 5-10 minutes.
belleville & oberkampf
The affordable rents in the former working class neighborhood of Belleville led to the proliferation of all things hip, from street art to experimental cuisine, in what is undoubtedly the Brooklyn of Paris, a far cry from your preconceptions of what Paris is all about. If everything you thought you knew about Paris was a lie and you're okay with that, head on over to the Oberkampf district for an even edgier nightlife scene. If you're not okay with that, just head back to the Eiffel Tower and tell yourself it's all going to be okay.