DAY 1: Made in France (Versailles)
palace of versailles
Originally built by Louis XIII in 1623, this former hunting lodge was enlarged into a full-blown palace by Louis XIV, in the latter half of the 1600's. As a show of French pride, every material used to build this palace was made in France, but you could probably tell already that nothing here was made in China. Everything about it screams opulence, from the 2,014 acres it covers (largest royal domain in the world), over 700,000 of interior square footage with 1,200 fireplaces, 700 rooms, 60 staircases, 6,000 paintings and 5,000 piece of furniture, over 200,000 flowers, 200,000 trees and 50 fountains all making up one of the largest gardens on earth. Now you know why the French Revolution happened, as the average Frenchman at that time was lucky to have a single piece of bread, let alone 2,153 windows. Since it practically started a war, it is fitting that the palace served twice in a major peacekeeping role, once in 1783, when the Peace of Paris Treaty was signed here with Britain formally recognizing the US right to independence and again in 1920 when the Treaty of Versailles was signed, marking the close of World War I. Since countries never make peace anymore, the palace has been basically reduced to a grandiose tourist attraction, attracting upwards of 10 million annual visitors.
Visit en.chateauversailles.fr for tickets, opening times, and more information.
What to See and Do in Versailles:
la galerie des glaces
The only things that couldn't be made in France were the 357 mirrors due to adorn this hall. During the time, Venetians had a monopoly on mirror-making but in keeping with the French pride theme, the builders opted not to import the mirrors, but the mirror-makers to do their work here. Unfortunately, those Italians are just as secretive about their mirror recipes as they are about their pasta sauce recipes, because the government of Venice ordered the assassination of the artisans upon their return so while you're checking yourself out in the mirrors just remember the sacrifices made so you can check yourself out.
Suggested: 15 mins. Visit en.chateauversailles.fr for more info.
Royal Chapel
Completed in 1710, this was the fifth iteration of the chapel at Versailles. The public would gather in the nave while the king and family would observe from above, the same level as his apartment, which made going to church a lot less of a chore.
Suggested: 15 mins. Visit en.chateauversailles.fr for more info.
the royal apartments
If you ever wondered how kings and queens managed to stay together despite living such scrutinized lives, perhaps because they have their own apartments. Unless you have a mancave or a womancave your relationship is probably doomed to fail.
Tour: 90 minutes. Visit en.chateauversailles.fr for tickets, info.
JARDINS DU CHATEAU de Versailles
An attraction in its own right, this royal garden is completely replanted once every hundred years in order to maintain it's youthful appearance, so it's just as fresh-looking as it was in the time of Louis XIV. Either that, or it steals it's visitors souls.
Suggested: 2 hours. Visit en.chateauversailles.fr for more info.
fountains of versailles
There are four fountains, one at each of the major crossroads in the garden, each representing one of the four seasons, plus other fountains inspired by fighting animals, real and mythical, gods and other myths, such at Latona's Fountain, based upon The Metamorphoses by Ovide. They all have stories to tell but unless there is water coming out of them, we're not interested.
Suggested: 30 mins. Visit en.chateauversailles.fr for more info.
bonus: versailles royal opera
You can go on a guided tour of this architectural gem, but the only way to truly appreciate it is to take in a live performance. We'll never be royals but for the moment we can feel like one.
Visit www.chateauversailles-spectacles.fr for tickets, schedule.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: VERSAILLES
DAY 2: Putting Up a Facade (Chartres & Champagne)
bonus: velorails du pay chartrain
Pedal along a 9-mile stretch of abandoned railway through the tranquil French countryside. Other than the mild one-way incline and the threat of oncoming ghost trains, it's not much of a thrill ride but it's a nice way to work off some of those croissants and keep your kids entertained. Let them sit back and enjoy the ride while you pedal your heart out for them, parenting in a nutshell.
Average duration: 2 hours. Visit www.vdpc.fr for reservations, opening times and more info.
cathedral of our lady of chartres
Constructed at the turn of the 13th century, this cathedral occupies the same space as four of its predecessors, dating as far back as the 4th century. The fifth time must be a charm because it remains near-perfectly preserved from its original state, and serves as a shining example of both French gothic architecture and medieval stained glass. It's also popular among Christian pilgrims, as it houses the tunic said to have been worn by the Virgin Mary when Jesus was born. It looks nice on display, but Mary wore it best.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.cathedrale-chartres.org for more information.
les fresques de bel air
Painted on the facades of 16 buildings across Bel Air are distinct murals representing various aspects of the town's legacy, from churches to perfume. See them all to learn the story about how these buildings became the fresh prints of a town called Bel Air.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.chartres-tourisme.com for more information.
maison picassiette
This mosaic house is the life work of artist in residence (literally) Raymond Isadore who tiled not only the walls but the furniture as well. The name Picassiette was given by the neighbors as a reference to Picasso and his patchwork painting style but it's intended to make a mockery of his obsession, literally calling him "little Picasso," but the joke's on them since nobody is visiting their homes.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.chartres-tourisme.com for opening times and more information.
Champagne
If you're drinking champagne that's not from Champagne, then you sir have been bamboozled; in that case, it's not champagne but ordinary sparkling white wine. What makes Champagne different you ask? The high acidity levels of the grapes produced in this region are ideal for sparkling wines so you can expect better quality sparkling wine all around deserving of the Champange moniker. Sure, there are other wine-making areas of the world with similar profiles, but like Ivy League universities, these schools of wine were first to the game so they're going to carry an air of superiority and exclusivity to them, so much so that it's actually written in law that you can't call your sparking wine "champagne" unless it's from here. It's not worth going to jail over so just let them have their moment. Choosing from two or three wineries among a few hundred can be a difficult task. Be sure to research varieties. Either way, it's going to be good - all it takes is a few bottles to reduce the snobbiest of connoisseurs to common trash.
Visit www.champagne.fr for list of wineries, opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: CHAMPAGNE
DAY 3: The Magnificent Seven (Loire Valley)
chateau de chambord
The hunting lodge of Francis I was completed in 1547. (Meme idea: a picture of commoners violently storming Chambord during French Revolution, caption: "That feeling you get when you realize the king's hunting lodge is a thousand times bigger than your crummy apartment.") You don't have to see the whole interior - after Versailles all these fancy interiors will become a bit rich for the common taste. The most notable features are the ornate roof, the view from the roof terrace, and the double-helix staircase thought to have been influenced by Leonardo de Vinci, who stayed at nearby Chateau du Clos Luce. The castle's also a primary influence for the castle from Beauty and the Beast, though in real life, the furniture is markedly less welcoming than the cartoon.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.chambord.org for opening times and more information.
bonus: Chateau royal de blois
A former royal residence, this chateau was most famous for the pit stop made here by Joan of Arc to fuel up on blessings before marching against English forces in 1429. They must have been some solid blessings because she famously tore the English a new one, cementing her legend as the baddest bitch in French history. Be sure to visit the Salle des Eta Generauz, the largest and best preserved feudal court rooms in the world, and Catherine de Medici's chamber of secrets, where she probably stashed her drugs.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit en.chateaudeblois.fr for opening times and more information.
chateau de cheverny
You may recognize this chateau in its animated form, serving as inspiration for the castle from The Adventures of Tintin. It's not as animated as you remember, but things still do get a bit hairy during feeding time when over 100 hunting dogs are unleashed upon a feast of meat, yet refrain from eating until their master allows it, in a show of more restraint than the average man is capable of.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.chateau-cheverny.fr for feeding times and more information.
chaTeaux d'amboise
Francis I wanted to decorate this palace, his residence, to suit his tastes for Italian art and apparently wouldn't settle for anything less than having Leonardo da Vinci decorate it in 1516. Da Vinci must have poured every ounce of life he had into decorating here because he died in the midst of his work three years later and is fittingly interred in the Chapel of Saint Hubert, in the garden. You can skip most of the chateau; you're here to pay your respects to the artist then to see some exceptional views of the Loire River.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.chateau-amboise.com for opening times and more information.
bonus: chateau du clos luce
For the last three years of his life, Da Vinci lived in this castle, where Francis I grew up, while working on Francis' nearby Amboise; he was able to go back and forth to Amboise, quite easily, via an underground tunnel. At Clos Luce, you can visit Da Vinci's death bed, where Francis famously stood by his side until he died; between that and the underground tunnel, it's clear that a bromance had developed between the two. You can also see models of Da Vinci's engineering works in the basement; apparently scientists inventing things in a dark basement isn't just something that happens in movies, just another thing possibly invented by Da Vinci.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.vinci-closluce.com for opening times and more information.
chateau de chenonceau
The most visited chateau after Versailles, this former mill was given as a gift by Henry II to his mistress - having a mistress is an expensive business. She famously extended the mill to span the entire river Cher, probably not the only part of his property that she extended. The inside is ornate but no different than any other palace - it's the river-spanning exterior that's worth your time.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.chenonceau.com for opening times and more information.
chateau de villandry
Skip the castle, head straight to the garden, one of the finest in France, arguably even finer-tilled than the gardens of Versailles. The best views are from elevated areas; you'll feel like royalty looking over the gardens and commoners walking through them.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.chateauvillandry.fr for opening times and more information.