DAY 1: An American in Paris (7th Arr. & 16th Arr.)
Eiffel tower & Champ de Mars
La Dame de Fer, or "The Iron Lady," (not to be confused with Margaret Thatcher), was completed in 1889 to serve as the entrance for the World's Fair and was intended to be destroyed 20 years later as it lacked functional purpose (Travel selfies weren't a thing yet). It was also criticized by leading artists and intellectuals of the day, proving how out of touch critics can be, only to eventually become one of the most visited monuments in world, currently, with 7 million unique visitors every year. At the time of completion, it was the world's tallest structure and remained so for over 40 years until the Chrysler Building showed up in NY; The Eiffel Tower later added a broadcasting antenna, giving it functional purpose, but more importantly, taking back the crown of tallest structure in the world. While it may no longer be the tallest, it can feel that way if you make the 300 step climb to the first level, followed by another 300 steps to the second level (both levels have an observation area and a restaurant). You can take the lift, but there's a good reason Parisians are so skinny: they use their legs to get places. But there is no shame in taking the lift up to the third floor - even the French don't have the stamina, or the patience for another 1,000 steps. Once you're up there, you'll have the best view of all and access to the private and envy-inducing former apartment of Gustave Eiffel, the building's chief architect. On a windy day, the tower tends to sway by 2-3 inches so if you feel it moving, don't be alarmed. On a cold day, the tower can even shrink, by 6 or more inches, which is a valuable lesson for men everywhere: even the most endowed structures are at the mercy of the elements.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.toureiffel.paris for tickets, opening times and more information.
bonus: Musee du quai branly
Featuring a rotating cast of 450,000 indigenous art and cultural objects, this museum was completed in 2006. So it's the new kid on the block, relatively speaking, among the established museums of Paris, and is for that reason often overlooked, but since it's so close to the Eiffel Tower, it's worth a visit. The museum, pioneered by former French president Jacques Chirac, can be seen as perhaps a form of atonement for France's colonial history - sorry for decimating your culture; here's a cool museum to make for it. The galleries are divided between African, Asian, American, and Oceanic indigenous cultures; try to choose the one or two that you're least familiar to do the galleries justice and atone for your ancestors' sins. Don't miss the massive garden and green walls.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.quaibranly.fr for opening times and more information.
flame de la liberte
If you've climbed the Statue of Liberty in New York but you didn't make it up to the torch either due to laziness or "maintenance" (imminent collapse), here's your second shot to take a closer look. This full-sized replica was funded by the International Herald Tribune as a symbol of the lasting friendship between France and America, about 100 years after France funded the building of the Statue of Liberty in NY though clearly the Americans didn't spend nearly as much to show their appreciation so it's probably the last time they'll ever get a gift from the French again. In the Americans defense, they might have spent the same amount as the French spent on Lady Liberty, after adjusting for inflation, what a cheap person would tell themselves to justify being cheap. Most people think it's a memorial to Princess Diana since it was famously covered with tributes after she died in a car crash in a nearby tunnel. People may have associated it with Elton John's "Candle in the Wind," sung at her funeral but even the song isn't for her; it was written for Marilyn Monroe. Those colonialists! Always claiming things that don't belong to them, even after death.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.travelfranceonline.com for more information.
BONUS: palais tokyo
Check the program prior to your visit to see what piques your interest at Paris' leading museum of modern and contemporary art and don't miss the underground art scene (literally) of the Lasco Project, a subterranean graffiti space, located under the building.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.palaisdetokyo.com for tickets, opening times, and more information.
bonus: musee national de la marine
With antique model ships and artifacts of French naval history, including an early 800-lb diving bell, an entire Napoleonic-era boat, and ship figureheads dating all the way back to the French Revolution, this museum is truly an aquaphile's "wet dream."
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.musee-marine.fr for opening times and more information.
Editor's Note: museum currently closed for renovations, reopening in 2021.
musee marmottan monet
Featuring over 300 works by Claude Monet, this museum holds the largest collection of Monet's works in the world, as well as notable works of Degas, Gaugin, and other impressionist and post-impressionist painters. The museum is also infamous for a botched 1985 art heist in which five masked gunman stormed in and made off with nine Monets before an anonymous tip led toward the arrest of a Japanese yakuza member and two Frenchmen. Question their morality, but don't question their tastes.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.marmottan.fr for opening times and more information.
Statue of liberty
One of several Statue of Liberty replicas in Paris, this one was given as a gift to France by Americans living in Paris. Judging by the size of it compared to the original, they probably bought it from a cheap souvenir store in Times Square but it's the thought that counts (thought counts for shit). It was originally facing east but later turned west to face its bigger brother in NY. Also, it's one of two places in the world you can see an Eiffel Tower and a Statue of Liberty at the same time, the other being Las Vegas though at least here, you're not surrounded by hookers, which is nice for a change, unless you're into supporting local business.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.travelfranceonline.com for more information.
champs elysees & palais royal
These adjacent neighborhoods come together to form the murderers row of French gastronomy, murdering both your wallet and any prospect of going out later tonight. It's only fitting that the street is named after Elysium, the place where your soul goes after you die; it's so decadent you can feel your soul leave your body. If you're not ready to die, there are some cheap/healthy options.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: PARIS
DAY 2: Everything is Temporary (5th Arr.)
notre dame
Located on Ile de la Cite, the geographical heart of the city, is "Our Lady of Paris" cathedral, completed in 1345 after nearly 200 years of construction. If you thought "The Iron Lady," or The Eiffel Tower, is the queen of Paris, you are wrong. It's this lady, who attracts 13 million visitors inside of her per year, six million more than Lady Eiffel. Cat fight! It probably has something to do with entrance being free of charge, (cheap Americans strike again!) but never underestimate the power of religion over its followers, who come from far and wide to see some possibly-authentic, game-worn Jesus memorabilia: a piece of the cross, the Crown of Thorns (which could also just be the one worn by Madonna) and a holy nail (one of the nails used to nail him to the cross or just one of the nails lying around his house, him being a carpenter after all). If you're feeling energetic, you can hike the 387 steps to the top of one of the twin bell towers, where Quasimodo lives,
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.notredamedeparis.fr for opening times and more information.
More Sights to See on Ile de la Cite:
point Zero
Although it's just a basic plaque that marks the geographic center of Paris, people treat it as if it will grant them wishes. You may see it covered in coins, or people kissing over it to ensure their love endures; if you're relationship depends on wishing upon a star, best of luck to you. What most visitors don't know is that the plaque marks the place of Echelle de Justice, the gallows of the Church of France. Making a wish here would thus bring you bad luck, if luck was a real thing.
Suggested duration: 5 minutes. Visit www.travelfranceonline.com for more information.
gravestone courtyard
Generally speaking, it doesn't get any more disrespectful than trampling on someone's grave, but if you walk down this alley, you have no choice - it's paved with fragments of tombstones. Not to worry, there's nobody actually buried underneath them, and chances are you won't even be able to see them; the alley is hidden behind an often-locked red door with the number 26.
Suggested duration: 5 minutes.
conciergerie
In this well preserved gothic palace you'll find the great Hall of Soldiers, built during the reign of King Philip the Fair. You might also want to visit the medieval kitchen built in the reign of King John the Good. They must've really liked their kings back then, at least until the French Revolution when King Louis XVI - a.k.a The Jerk - was dethroned. The palace served as a holding cell for convicts of treason, including the likes of Marie Antoinette. You can visit her cell in an exhibit detailing those deadly days.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.paris-conciergerie.fr for tickets, opening times and more information.
marche aux fleurs & marche aux oiseaux
If you thought this island was all death and execution, you're probably right, but it could also be all birds and flowers; it all depends on your perspective. In the middle of the island is a daily flower market, which is replaced on Sunday with a bird market. As a visitor, you're not buying any of either but it's a welcome and cheery change of pace from all that execution. So wake up and smell the flowers... or bird poop on Sundays.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit en.parisinfo.com for opening times and more information.
Sainte-Chapelle
Completed in 1248, this Gothic style chapel was commissioned by King Louis IX to store his Jesus memorabilia (moved to the Notre Dame), and is now better known for stained-glass porn.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.sainte-chapelle.fr for opening times and more information.
shakespeare And co & un regarde moderne
Why should you visit a bookstore when you're on vacation? This isn't any old bookstore; the original iteration, housed at another address, was the stomping grounds of famous writers such as Ernest Hemingway, James Joyce, and Ezra Pound, before closing down under the Nazi occupation of World War II. A new bookstore opened shortly after the war at the current location, honoring the first iteration by adopting its name. An inscription above the door instructs to "Be Not Inhospitable to Strangers Lest They Be Angels in Diguise," and true to their word this bookstore has allowed over 30,000 aspiring writers to sleep on beds that you'll find between the shelves - no word on the bed bug situation but beggars can't be choosers. The store was famously featured in films such as Richard Linklater's Before Sunset and Woody Allen's Midnight in Paris. So grab a book or make some friends, stay awhile but for not too long. You'll want to check out the almost absurdly eclectic sardine-can of a bookstore Un Regard down the street.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit shakespeareandcompany.com for opening times and more information.
salvador dali sundial
This concrete clock was installed by the surrealist artist himself, Salvador Dali in 1966. With clam shell face, blue eyes, and artist's signature at the bottom right, this clock doesn't actually work, which makes sense considering Dali's penchant for melting clocks.
Suggested duration: 5 minutes.
musee cluny
A museum for the ages, the middle ages specifically, is housed in a former townhouse built in 1334, which was itself built atop a former Roman bath from the 3rd century. The baths were destroyed by invading barbarians who apparently don't like bathing but you can still see the ancient room in which they were housed. Most notable in the museum are "The Lady and the Unicorn" tapestries, a series of wool and silken works of a girl and her envy-inducing pet unicorn. I want a unicorn Daddy. I want it now.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.musee-moyenage.fr for opening times and more information.
Editor's Note: museum currently closed for renovations, reopening in July 2018.
pont des arts
Stretching across the River Seine is this pedestrian bridge most famous for its love locks. Strictly a tourist tradition, having nothing to do with the French, lovers will lock a lock on the grates of the bridge then throw the key into the river, symbolizing that they are stuck together forever and there's no way out. If you're looking for a loophole to get out of your relationship, rest assured that the locks are constantly being removed by workers, as the bridge is slowly starting to collapse under the weight of your expectations.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.travelfranceonline.com for more information.
bonus: House of Serge Gainsborough
You can't go inside the house in which the French musician and cultural icon lived in from 1961 until he died in 1991 but you can pay your respects just outside at this graffiti tribute wall, befitting for a man whose work was colored by the grungy streets he walked.
Suggested duration: 5 minutes.
Musee d'orsay
Housed in a former train station, this museum features only the work of French artists from impressionist and post-impressionist eras. Yeah, it's a pretty exclusive club but this club can count Monet, Manet, Degas, Renoir, Van Gogh among others as members.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.musee-orsay.fr for opening times and more information.
st. germain des pres & latin quarter
A typical french-style neighborhood, St. Germain is filled to the brim with outdoors cafes, small museums and gift shops, not to mention hordes of people. It's not the counter-cultural hotbed it used to be, but all counter culture eventually goes mainstream. For more alternative vibes, visit the nearby, student-centric Latin Quarter for cheap food, drinks and far reaching conversation.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: PARIS
DAY 3: Arts and Crafts (1st & 2nd Arr.)
Orangerie Museum
Featuring a collection of impressionist and post-impressionist art (starting to sense a theme here), this museum is most famous for the eight Water Lilies by Claude Monet that are housed on the first floor, in case you didn't see enough at Musee Marmottan Monet. But unlike other Water Lillies displayed in various galleries around the globe, the artist himself choreographed the way in which they would be displayed herein, spread across two oval rooms, using very naturalistic lighting, as if to surround the viewer in his viewpoint. Though Monet passed a few months before the exhibit opened in 1927, you can't say he missed out on anything.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.musee-orangerie.fr for tickets, opening times, and more information.
jardin des tuileries
The most famous garden in all of Paris was built on the site of a former tile quarry, hence the name Tuileries. It was commissioned by Catherine de Medici in 1654 as part of the Tuileries Palace, which served as the royal residence until it was destroyed during the French Revolution. The garden was then declared a public park (Perhaps not having access to this beautiful garden was the straw that broke the camel's back, the camel being the working class) and you are still free to roam the garden to this very day. Besides the beautiful row of sculptures, you can unwind on a bench by the fountains or basins or wind yourself up at the amusement park.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.travelfranceonline.com for more information.
the louvre museum
The world's largest art museum and most visited art museum in the world wasn't always a museum. The original structure was the Louvre Palace, the 12th century abode of Philip II, the remains of which you could find in the basement of the current structure (the remains of the building not of Philip II). In the medieval times, the awkward teenage years of modern civilization, the Louvre wasn't quite a museum yet, but did house art and art schools, before finally coming of age as a museum in 1793. The most famous works to see are the Glass Pyrmaid outside, the Venus de Milo sculpture and of course the Mona Lisa, which like Arnold Schwarzenegger, is a lot smaller in real life. It's still a pretty big deal though - It's protected by armed guards and bulletproof glass, so don't shoot at it, it won't work. Another lesser known work is Liberty Leading the People by Eugene Delacroix commemorating the second French revolution of 1830. Although the artist wasn't actually on the battlefield, he took the "liberty" of painting himself into the painting to the left of center, wearing a hat. There's an overwhelming amount of art to see here, so either come prepared or hire a tour guide.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.louvre.fr for tickets, opening times and more information.
BONUS: 59 Rivoli
This former illegal artist squatting ground was a popular tourist attraction even before it was seized by the French government in 2009 and reopened as an art studio, charging minimal rent. The characters are less colorful, but the colors are just as vibrant and now you don't have to worry about getting stabbed inside. It's a welcome change from all the impressionist/post impressionist art.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.59rivoli.org for opening times and more information.
BONUS: ETS AUROZE
If you walk through a chinese neighborhood, you'll see lots of shops with roasted ducks hanging in the window. In the case, ducks have been replaced with rats, but don't worry, they are not for eating; this exterminator display serves as warning to intrepid rats.
Suggested duration: 5 minutes.
fountain of the innocents
Sculpted by Pierre Lescot, who also worked on the Louvre (solid resume!), this fountain is built atop the oldest known cemetery in Paris, from the 800s. Like at the Gravestone Courtyard, don't worry about trampling on the dead; the bones have been reinterred.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes. Visit www.travelfranceonline.com for more information.
stravinsky fountain
An interesting juxtaposition to the last fountain, this fountain is inspired by composer Igor Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, seen not only in the shapes of the figures but also in the sounds that the figures make when the water passes through them. Sculptors Jean Tinguely and Niki de Saint Phalle were also husband and wife, which means they probably had little to no work-life balance, but at least they made it work, clearly. They also famously worked together on Saint Phalle's Giardino dei Tarocchi. (Central Italy, Part 3)
Suggested duration: 10 minutes. Visit www.travelfranceonline.com for more information.
BONUS: The centre pompidou
One of the most modern and also reviled constructions in all of France fittingly houses the National Museum of Modern Art. It doesn't even attempt to blend in with the surrounding environment, which is perhaps why tourists always gravitate towards it. Interesting nevertheless from an architectural perspective, the museum's also worth the visit, if you can stomach another one.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.centrepompidou.fr for tickets, opening times, and more information.
the defender of time clock
If you ever wanted to see a man fight against a bird, a dragon and a crab, you'll have to look elsewhere, because this mechanized clock, which is supposed to depict exactly that, is no longer functional but it remains an interesting work of art in its stationary self.
Suggested duration: 5 minutes. Visit www.travelfranceonline.com for more information.
bonus: auberge nicholas flamel
In the oldest remaining house in France lived Nicholas Flamel of eventual Harry Potter fame. In the 14th century he became very wealthy investing in real estate, in conjunction with not having to pay taxes due to his title of "cleric non-accounatble." Instead of just trying to understand basic tax code, people made up rumors that he was an alchemist who had discovered the secret of the Philosopher's Stone, or how to turn metal into gold. Besides being mistaken for a wizard, he was also generous, allowing laborers free accommodation at his house. All they had to do was recite the Prayer of the Dead which you'll still find engraved on the wall outside this current-day restaurant, along with his initials on the 2nd and 5th pillars. On second thought... maybe he was a wizard.
Suggested duration: 5 minutes. Visit www.travelfranceonline.com for more information.
metiers art museum
This museum houses several famous scientific inventions and instruments in a very cool industrial setting, such as the Foucault Pendulum, some early plane models and the first mechanical calculator; there's enough material to really get your gears going.
Visit www.arts-et-metiers.net for tickets, opening times, and more information.
Canal St. Martin, Le Marais & Bastille
These three adjacent neighborhoods make up the heart of the Parisian culture and nightlife scene. Le Marais is as old school as it gets, with picturesque cobblestone streets and sidewalk cafes open late into the night. Canal St. Martin has a more bohemian vibe with late-night barge rides and an underground art scene while Bastille is known for its ethnic cuisine and wild nightlife. Among all three neighborhoods, there are enough options to indulge all personality types, especially for someone with multiple personalities.