DAY 1: Rise and Fall (Yorkshire Dales National Park)
yorkshire dales national park
Yorkshire Dales is home to endless acres of hay meadows and limestone pavement. While that might not sound appealing, just trust us, roll with it. Your efforts will be greatly rewarded with some of the most picturesque waterfalls that England has to offer.
Visit www.yorkshiredales.org.uk for opening times and more information.
malham cove & Gordale scar
This popular cove was famously featured in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows which attracts lots of fair-weather hikers and die-hard wizard-wannabes. If you can handle the crowds for a bit, hike to the top of the cove. Most people don't hike to the top, probably because Harry never hiked to the top, but it shouldn't stop you from exploring the network of caves atop the cove or continuing on the path north and back south to Gordale Scar, a unique but often missed limestone ravine.
Average duration: 3 hours. (Walking Englishman)
BOnus: Ingleton falls
If you have the energy for another hike you wouldn't want to miss the spectacular waterfalls and woodland scenery of the Ingleton Falls trails. It's a popular path, but there's a lot to see here, and some quiet, hidden spaces, if you feel like you need to be alone for a little while or just want to disappear forever.
Average duration: 3 hours. (Walking Englishman)
Alternative: Aysgarth falls
If you don't have the gas or the guts for Ingleton Falls you can check out Aysgarth, for an equally impressive cascade of falls, albeit at much less effort expended. It feels cheap to see such beauty without making any effort; maybe you could do some jumping-jacks in the parking lot. It's likely the most popular of all waterfalls in England, made even more popular appearing in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, so don't expect any solitude.
Average duration: 1 hour. (Walking Englishman)
BONUS: Forbidden corner
This whimsical sculpture garden is more interactive than your ordinary sculpture garden. There's no map, just a checklist of things to be discovered. It's basically like a scavenger hunt, designed for the young or young at heart. You might not have the energy for it after a day of hiking but if it doesn't at least sound appealing to you then the child inside of you is probably already dead inside.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.theforbiddencorner.co.uk for tickets, opening times and more information.
fountains abbey
The largest and best-preserved of the Cisterian monasteries in England, Fountains Abbey was founded in 1132 by 13 monks who rebelled, not because they thought religion was too strict, but that it wasn't strict enough, said no one ever, well except for these monks. They settled on some land in the middle of nowhere and built this abbey as a means to live life devoid of temptation, or fun, as we call it today. While you may be thinking that at least it seems like a peaceful way of life, it was anything but. Besides having to pray all day and night, the monks had to contend with drought, raids, and finally the Black Death before the abbey's confiscation by Henry VIII in 1539. All that work for nothing, which proves that when temptation arises, you should just say yes.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.nationaltrust.org.uk for opening times and more information.
brinham rocks
Not sure how these rock formations are even possible, but we're not here to ask questions, where here to "ooh" and "ahh." Some of the formations are named, such as the Sphinx and the Turtle. It's a fun game to try to guess what the names are, even though your guesses will be wildly off the mark. Then you can re-examine from another angle: "I guess it does look like a Dancing Bear."
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.nationaltrust.org.uk for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: Yorkshire dales
DAY 2: Everywhere Peace, Everywhere Serenity (North York Moors National Park)
bonus: Mother Shipton's cave
The oldest "entry-fee" tourist attraction in England, this cave is the birthplace of Mother Shipton, prophetess or witch, depending on who you asked back then. While she did predict some pretty specific things, such as the invention of iron ships, the Great Fire, and the defeat of the Spanish Armada, she also predicted the end of the world in 1881. (We may be on life support, but we're still kicking here.) Perhaps adding to her legend is the nearby cave which magically turns objects to stone. We now know this is due not to magic but to the high mineral content in the water. We also know that Mother Shipton was probably just a crazy cat lady.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.mothershipton.co.uk for opening times and more information.
red telephone graveyard
Behind the Carlton Miniott Service Station, pay your respects to the dearly departed red telephone booths of England. Feel free to bring flowers, say a prayer. It's sad to see them lying around like this but you can rest assured that their souls are in a better place.
Suggested duration: 20 minutes.
north york moors national park
While it has plenty to offer in terms of natural features, it's the manmade features that distinguishes this park from neighboring national parks. But don't worry, it's not all gigantic horse carvings and abandoned abbeys - there's plenty of nature on the way.
white horse walk
The largest of all hill figures in England (Yes, there are other hill figures - this isn't even the only hill figure of a horse) the Kilburn White Horse is said to have been made by a village schoolteacher and his pupils. Others claims it was made by some wealthy villager. They're both wrong. It was obviously made by an advanced race of horses who vanished off the face of the earth and whose return is imminent. And when they do return, it is the horses that will ride the humans.
Average duration: 2 hours. (Where 2 Walk)
Rievaulx abbey & Rievaulx Terrace
The second abbot of Rievaulx, St. Aelred, described the abbey as "everywhere peace, everywhere serenity," which could also describe the ruins, even if there is a gift shop and tea room on site. You can learn more about the history of the abbey, which is very similar to that of Fountains, through the audio guide or through the artifacts on display. A short drive away takes you to Rievaulx Terrace for a view overlooking the abbey and two decorative temples that look like extensions of the abbey, but were actually built 200 years later. Nice try temples. And you would've gotten away with it if it weren't for those damn kids.
Suggested Duration: 2 Hours. (National Trust)
Alternate: roseberry topping
It's not the biggest hill in England. It's not even the biggest hill in the park. Perhaps it's the perfectly-shaped peak that invites exploration or the fact that it's only a short walk to the top, so you can tell your friends you hiked up a mountain and only be half full of shit. You can also extend your walk through Newton Wood for a display of local flora and fauna; you'll see bluebell flowers in late spring and roe deer in the late fall/early winter.
Average duration: 2 hours. (Where 2 Walk)
STAY THE NIGHT IN: WHITBY
DAY 3: Unintended Consequences (Whitby & Newcastle)
whitby abbey
With a view of Whitby, and the North Sea, the plateau on which this ruined abbey stands has a long history of human presence dating back to the Bronze Age and through Roman times. The abbey was built in the 7th century and it prospered until the 16th century, when it was confiscated by Henry VIII (never stop confiscating). Over the next few hundred years, the abbey took on a haunted quality and was famously featured in Bram Stoker's Dracula. With large crowds, a visitor's center and audio guides for rent, it's decidedly less haunted, but if you get in early enough, you might just have the whole place to yourself... or so you think.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.visitwhitby.com for opening times and more information.
angEL of the north
British artist Antony Gormley, also famous for Another Place, sculpted this towering angel of steel, with its wings angled slightly forward to create a subtle sense of embrace (perhaps unfortunately it's too tall, hard and cold to actually hug). Like the Dream Sculpture by Jaume Plensa, the Angel of the North stands above a former coal mine and is anchored by concrete deep into the mine to keep it from falling over (or from flying away) due to high wind speeds. It's intended to mark the transition from the age of industry to the age of information and to inspire hope for the future, but nearby villagers aren't that high-brow and so they've affectionately began referring to it as "the Gateshead flasher" due to its location and compromising position. Real mature, folks!
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.gateshead.gov.uk for more information.
northumberlandia
Designed by American artist Charles Jencks, this massive land sculpture of a reclining woman was made from 1.5 million tons of dirt. It stands over 100 feet high and stretches over 1,300 feet long. With apologies to the common man, you won't be able to see her naked body as a whole unless you rent a helicopter and fly creepily overhead, but not to worry: you can still trample all over her like the misogynistic pig that you are. As the largest land sculpture of a woman in the world, it was meant to be a symbol for feminism, but local men have taken to calling it "slag Alice," "slag" meaning "a waste of dirt" and "Alice" referring to "slack Alice," a derogatory term for women. We clearly have a ways to go towards equality, but this sculpture is a step in the right direction.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.northumberlandia.com for opening times and more information.
alnwick castle
About an hour short of the Scottish border is the residence of the duke of Northumberland, which was made more notable as of late due to its appearances in two Harry Potter films as well as an episode of Downton Abbey. The 12th and current duke, Ralph Percy, complained to the media about the hordes of fans, of both series, swarming his property, despite the fact that its open to public, claiming that he and his family are virtually held-prisoner in their 150-room castle... poor guy! There's several exhibits and activities related to both series, but the real reason you're here is to make sure the duke continues to feel mildly uncomfortable.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit alnwickcastle.com for tickets, opening times and more information.