DAY 1: Impure Entertainment (Twickenham)
Anne Boleyn's gateway (Hampton Court Palace)
After having Anne Boleyn executed for her inability to bear him a son (she got off easy!), Henry VIII tried to have all traces of her removed from his palace to make way for Jane Seymour just as we tend to do on social media after we have our exes executed. His servants. however, seem to have missed a spot. As you pass under the clock tower, look up. You can still see her symbol with the letters, "A and H" (Anne and Henry) intertwined, with similar symbols hidden along the panels in the Great Hall. It's a sad and stark reminder that love, while not always ending in execution, never lasts. You could skim through the palace but it's bad karma.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.hrp.org.uk for tickets, opening times and more information.
Hampton Court Maze
Henry VIII's former palace also has the oldest surviving hedge maze in the world, from the late 1600's. While most people assume that hedge mazes were made for the innocent purpose of finding a way to the middle (so naive!) they were also used by wealthy gentlemen to discuss private matters and to "entertain" their lady friends. It takes about 30 minutes or less to get to the middle of the maze, depending how long you last "entertaining" your partner. Seriously though, save the PDA. This is not your private hedge maze, after all - there are kids running around, and they don't know the real purpose of a hedge maze; don't spoil their innocence.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.hrp.org.uk for tickets, opening times and more information.
strawberry hill house
Built by the eccentric son of a prime minister (probably with his father's money), it was intended to resemble a gothic style villa, but ended up looking more like a caricature of one. Nevertheless, it was a popular tourist attraction even in his time, as he often complained of frequent visitors, though he could've simply stopped letting them in. It was in this house that he had a nightmare with a giant outstretched fist coming from the darkness at the top of the staircase, inspiring him to write The Castle of Otrarno, which famously inspired Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. Inside the castle and among the grounds, you'll find various architectural curiosities, most popular among them being the garden's shell bench, on which lovers would relax and "entertain" one another.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.strawberryhillhouse.org.uk for tickets, opening times and more information.
eel pie island
This natural island in the middle of the River Thames was originally used by King Henry VIII to entertain his countless mistresses. (He couldn't use the hedge maze in his garden when his wife was home.) From the mid-1800's onward, it became a popular spot for Londoners to get away from the city. Soon after, residents would begin selling pies made of eel (why didn't I think of that) to passing traders, giving the island its current name. The tiny island, and the Eel Pie Hotel specifically, became so popular that big musical names would drop in for some low-key, yet rowdy performances. Pink Floyd, The Rolling Stones, and David Bowie were among the regulars. After the hotel went bankrupt, it became a squatter's haven and hippie commune, before collapsing under the weight of its freeloaders. The island is not what it was back then but you can still feel the psychedelic vibes walking around.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes
The Naked Ladies (york house)
Nobody knows who carved these sculptures of naked oceanids, or sea nymphs, in the gardens of York House, though they are likely of Roman origin. "Gentlemen" have been ogling at these statues since the late 19th century, when some of the most epic garden parties in all of London went down in this very spot. You won't find any parties here but you can still ogle at the ladies.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.richmond.gov.uk for opening times and more information.
king henry's mound
King Henry VIII allegedly stood in this place, a Bronze Age burial mound, to watch for fireworks from London, not as a means for entertainment, but rather as a means to learn that Anne Boleyn had been executed and that he's free to remarry Jane Seymour, perhaps also a cause for celebration. It just sounds so cartoonishly evil that it probably never happened but regardless, we're not here for Henry (team Anne!), we're here for a view of St. Paul's Cathedral via telescope to the east and Thames Valley to the west.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.royalparks.org.uk for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: LONDON
DAY 2: Lights and Music (Highgate/Poplar)
highgate cemetary
One doesn't usually refer to a cemetery as "magnificent" but seven of London's cemeteries are so old and rich in history that they have been dubbed "the magnificent seven." Of the seven, Highgate easily has the most high-profile burials and spooky history, so if you only have time to see one cemetery (assuming you didn't come to London to hit up all the cemeteries), check out Highgate. After the cemetery was abandoned in the 1970's, it became overgrown and that's when the ghosts and ghouls started to move in. There were several sightings of a figure known as the Highgate Vampire but a big witch-hunt turned up nothing (everyone knows you can't catch a ghost). Finally, the cemetery was restored and the rent must have gone up because the ghosts were soon gone. While you probably won't find any ghosts, you will find the high-profile resting places of revolutionary socialist Karl Marx, scientist Michael Faraday, writer Douglas Adams (Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy) as well as Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko, poisoned to death in 2006 and buried in a 12-foot deep radioactive-proof coffin to prevent visitor poisoning. It's also now a wildlife preserve so if you hear anything moving in the woods, it's probably a deer, but you never know...
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit highgatecemetery.org for opening times and more information.
parkland walk
Much like New York's High Line, this park was built on the ruins of a decommissioned railroad. Unlike the High Line, you won't have to come unnecessarily within make-out distance of a total stranger. There might a few people during the weekends, but otherwise, you'll have the place mostly to yourself to explore mostly untilled wilderness, railway ruins, and distant views of London. Just don't come at night or run the risk of having complete strangers try to make out with you.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes.
God's own junkyard
Artist Chris Bracey started off designing neon signs for the sex shops of Soho in the 1960's before he finally cleaned up his act and got a job making signs for Hollywood films. He has since gone the way of the Soho sex shop (RIP), but his work lives on in a studio curated by his son Marcus. The signs are up for sale, but unlike sex in 1960's Soho, it doesn't come cheap. At least pictures are free. There's also a bar in the studio if you feel that your senses aren't stimulated enough.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.godsownjunkyard.co.uk for opening times and more information.
longplayer
In 1999, English musician Jem Finer composed Longplayer, a musical composition lasting 1000 years. He actually only composed 20 minutes of it, otherwise he'd be some kind of wizard. The rest was composed by a computer algorithm, combining the various segments of the original into every possible combination, which will come to an epic conclusion in the year 2999. So if you're able to conquer death and get permission from the robot overlords, you might want to add that to your calendar. Until then you could settle for listening to whatever segment is in progress now at the Trinity Buoy Wharf.
Suggested duration: 1000 years. Visit longplayer.org for tickets and more information.
Trinity Buoy Wharf
In the span of 20 years, this riverside wharf went from being the most boring place in London, possibly the whole world, to one of London's most underrated tourist attractions. Originally serving as a buoy storage facility (yawn) and a place to train lighthouse- keepers (double yawn), it has been redeveloped into an arts and culture complex, with several noted, longstanding exhibits, from Longplayer (see above) to The Faraday Effect (detailing the experiments Faraday conducted inside the lighthouse) to street art, sculptures and a parkour academy. If you've ever wanted to learn how to jump from the window of one building into the window of another building, like in every scene of the Jason Bourne films, but without plummeting to an untimely death, this is your shot.
Suggested duration: two hours. Visit www.trinitybuoywharf.com for opening times and more information.
traffic light tree
French artist Pierre Vivant created this sculpture out of 75 traffic lights that turn on and off in an arbitrary fashion to reflect the hustle-bustle of the surrounding district, which includes the London Stock Exchange. Upon its inception, people were apparently confused as to whether or not it was a real traffic signal (seriously??) and so people petitioned to have it removed. Fortunately, those people collectively removed the traffic lights that were lodged in their arseholes, and this traffic circle was recently voted number one traffic signal in all of London, in a poll which sounds so typical of the Brits.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: LONDON
DAY 3: Welcome to My Humble Abode (South of London)
Clapham south Deep-level shelter (SW12 9DU)
Unknown to most tourists, and locals alike, there's a network of tunnels buried deep under the streets of London. Clapham South is one of eight tunnels that were used to shelter Londoners during the Blitz, and will certainly be handy when the planet becomes uninhabitable and we are forced to live underground to avoid radiation. You'll see some impressively long tunnels and some cool relics from its wartime residents. It's 180 steps down and 180 up, or you can stay down there, awaiting inevitable nuclear disaster.
Duration: 75 minutes. Visit www.ltmuseum.co.uk for tickets and more information.
David bowie's birthplace & David bowie memorial
If you're a fan of David Bowie, you might want to check out his memorial mural in the Brixton district. If you're an even bigger fan of David Bowie, you might want to check out the house he lived in, just a few blocks away, which marks a modest beginning for a legendary star. If you're one of those crazy Bowie fans, you may want to paint your body and tour his house naked, but you can't - people live there, so you'll have to settle for standing naked and painted outside the house, staring creepily through the window.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
crystal palace park
A Victorian-era pleasure ground, which unfortunately doesn't mean what you think it means, unless you really, really enjoy being in nature, this park famously featured the Crystal Park Palace, a remnant from London's Great Exhibition of 1851, the precursor to the world's fair. All that remains after a fire in 1936 is the staircase leading up to the palace and a sphinx that was supposed to be guarding the palace but clearly didn't follow through (you had one job). There's also a park featuring dinosaurs that were built in the Victorian-times, and while they lack scientific accuracy, they more than make up for it with their very proper Victorian poses.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.bromley.gov.uk for opening times.
ladder of salvation of the human soul (Church of st. peter and st. paul)
Banksy wasn't the first English artist who "left a mark" while keeping his identity a secret. The wall of this church was painted in the 1200's by an unknown traveling monk. (Either that or Banksy is an immortal being.) Apparently the disrespect for street art extended back to medieval times, because some 1600's charlatan completely painted over the mural in white. This foolishness ended up being a blessing in disguise, however, as the white coating kept the mural hidden during the English Civil War, when Catholic images and relics in England were targeted for destruction. It was rediscovered in 1869; the artist remains unknown.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.chaldonchurch.co.uk for opening times and more information.
chiselhurst caves
This 22-mile long, manmade tunnel was used for chalk and flint mining from the 1200's all the way until the 1800's. In the 1940's it was repurposed as an air-raid shelter during the Blitz, sheltering over 15,000 people, who were apparently more afraid of bombs being dropped on them then they were of being stuck in a tight space. After the Allies won the war, the cave was closed and one would've had to be on drugs to willfully come back here, which is why in the 60s, it became a popular venue for psychedelic rock, with Pink Floyd, Rolling Stones, Bowie, Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix, etc. If you're already suffering from 60's FOMO, this won't help.
Duration: 45 minutes. Visit www.chislehurst-caves.co.uk for tickets, opening times, and more information.
Home of Charles darwin - down house
Contrary to popular method, Charles Darwin did not write The Origin of Species at his local coffee shop on a bunch of napkins. He spent most of his time thinking and writing in the garden and study of this stately Victorian home. Of course, we would all be done with our books by now if we had the privilege of writing in such a peaceful environment. But it's a good thing he had that privilege, or else people today (or rather, most people today) wouldn't believe in evolution. Your tour here is narrated by the amazing David Attenborough, who famously narrated the BBC series Planet Earth, somehow giving the house an air of even greater significance.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.english-heritage.org.uk for tickets, opening times, and more information.