DAY 1: Good to be King (westminster, hyde park & notting hill)
big ben
Although the name Big Ben is referring to the big bell inside the tower, most people assume the whole tower is called Big Ben. In reality, the tower is called Elizabeth Tower, which seems kind of sexist to ignore, so we're going to refer to the whole tower as Big Liz from now on. Big Liz is often used as an establishing shot in films to let you know that the film or just a particular scene takes place in London. Big Liz would therefore make an ideal first stop on your trip to establish the fact that you're definitely in London.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes. Visit www.parliament.uk for more information.
westminster abbey
If you were a king or a queen, Westminster is where you'd be crowned. Beginning with William the Conqueror in 1066 all kings and queens have been crowned in this abbey. Most of them are buried in the abbey as well, though you don't have to be royalty to be buried here, you just have to be born English and make game-changing contributions to the arts and sciences, like Isaac Newton, or Charles Dickens, both buried out back. Realistically though, you'll never amount to anything more than a commoner, and you'll probably be buried in an unmarked ditch but at least you can feel like royalty as you explore the interior. Be sure to check out the Henry VII Chapel, also known as the Lady Chapel, but get there early, or you'll just end up feeling like the commoner that you are.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.westminster-abbey.org for tickets, opening times, and more information.
Churchill war rooms
Dedicated to the life of Prime Minister Winston Churchill, this museum is housed in the underground bunker that Churchill himself commanded during World War II. It's designed to depict an active wartime bunker, complete with maps, briefs and even a bed; it is said that Churchill often slept here and was rumored to have conducted several meetings in his pajamas. Basically it was like a sleepover party in your best friend's basement with a very high-stakes game of Risk.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.iwm.org.uk for tickets, opening times, and more information.
buckingham palace
Since 1703, Buckingham Palace has served as both the residence and the office of the monarchy, which means kings and queens not only live their whole lives in their parents house, they also work from home. Basically, they've been living the millennial dream way before millennials were even born. And unlike millennials, when the kings or queens say they live with their parents and work from home, nobody will suspect them of secretly just sleeping in and watching Netflix while living off their parent's money though that's probably exactly what they're doing. Try not to make too much noise as you tour the famous State Rooms. They get pretty grumpy if they're woken up before noon. Better yet, save your money and just enjoy the palace and gardens outside; the interior is a bit grandiose for the common taste, but if you absolutely must go in, the Grand Staircase and Throne Room are worth a visit.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.royalcollection.org.uk for tickets, opening times, and more information.
Bonus: Chelsea physic garden
The ground was broken in 1673 for this botanical garden, one of the oldest in England. It's known for its medicinal plants, "physic" referring to the science of healing, just don't come here expecting the garden to put your tumors into remission. If you're looking for a hidden gem, however, or a quiet place to rest your legs amidst pleasant sights and smells, there's no better spot in London.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.chelseaphysicgarden.co.uk for opening times and more information.
Bonus: bywater Street
If you're an avid reader, you might recognize the name of this street as the home of fictional MI6 agent George Smiley, from the John Le Carre novels, i.e. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. Realistically though, you're more likely to recognize the colorful row of homes from the Instagram feed of that girl who makes your life feel worthless by comparison.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes.
hyde park
Originally the hunting grounds of Henry VIII, Hyde Park was open to the public in 1637 and became a popular place for gatherings and demonstrations. Since 1855, the Speaker's Corner has afforded the general public, and future politicians, a place to share their views and invite debate. To this day, you can stand up on a soapbox and share your opinions; whether you're decrying tyranny or decrying your ex-boyfriend, anything goes as long as you're not inciting violence, except against your ex-boyfriend - he probably deserves it. There's also a little known Victorian-era pet cemetery, where you can pay your respects to long-deceased dogs, cats, birds and other pets that likely had better manners than most present-day humans.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.royalparks.org.uk for schedule of events and more information.
notting hill
Undoubtedly the Brooklyn of London, Notting Hill owes its specific charm to the unique mix of Caribbean migrants and alternative thinkers that have resettled here over the years. And because it was so charming, it was a prime candidate for gentrification in the late 20th century so don't expect to find too many Caribbeans or alternative thinkers here anymore. They've been replaced by the "Notting Hill set," which is about as diverse as the cast of the movie Notting Hill. And despite all that, you'd still want to live here. It's charm endures in the colorful row homes and quiet side streets, the plethora of independent cafes and vintage stores and last but not least, the Portobello Road Market, where you can sample ethnic cuisine and shop artisan crafts.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit portobelloroad.co.uk for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: LONDON
DAY 2: Through the Fire (Central London)
Tower of London
Commissioned by William the Conqueror, this castle and fortress looks exactly like the sort of place you would expect someone named William the Conqueror would like to live in. Unfortunately, he couldn't conquer death and died just before it was finished. The castle was turned into a prison and hosted many notable executions over the years, including Anne Boleyn, executed for her inability to conceive a son (boys rule, girls drool), Lady Jane Grey (after losing a high stakes cat fight against Mary Tudor for the throne) and Guy Fawkes (the guy with the mask from V for Vendetta). The castle is said to be haunted by those executed on site as well as a grizzly bear named Old Martin. (A gift to King George III who said he would've rather been given a new pair of socks, Old Martin was sent to the zoo where he died shortly after of a broken heart. He later turned up as a ghost and literally scared a sentry to death.) The best way to see the castle is with the free 60-minute tour led by a Yeoman Warder (an armed guard). After the tour you can check out the crown jewels (not to be mistaken with a drunk stranger's offer to show you his crown jewels) and the resident ravens, a lineage of ravens who've been superstitiously guarding the tower since 1883 even if they're not aware of it.
Suggested duration: two hours. Visit www.hrp.org.uk for tickets, opening times, and more information.
leadenhall market
One of the oldest markets in London, operating as far back as the 14th century, and certainly the most grand, this market was recently featured in the Harry Potter films as the entrance to Diagon Alley, where Harry and the other wizards go shopping for magic supplies just before they leave to school at Hogwarts. You could go shopping here, but you're mainly here to appreciate architecture. Though to be safe, you might as well stock up on some magic supplies. You know Voldemort's plotting something.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
St. Dunstan in the east church garden
Originally built in 1100, this church was heavily damaged during The Great Fire of London (1666) and finally destroyed during The German Blitz of 1941. The remains were left in place as a memorial and mother nature took over from there, turning the grounds into a beautiful garden. Its kind of reminiscent of those documentaries that portray what earth will look like a few decades after humanity dies off. If this garden is any indication of how quaint and quiet the earth will be, humanity can't die off soon enough.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.cityoflondon.gov.uk for opening times and more information.
bonus: London stone (111 Cannon Street)
This stone has been an important relic since at least 1100 and yet to this day, nobody really understands why. There are several theories floating about (worshipped by the druids, used as a navigational tool), but the most interesting theory holds that this is the stone from which King Arthur famously pulled his sword. Unfortunately, all of these theories are dubious, especially the King Arthur one as his entire existence has yet to be corroborated, which leaves us with only one possible working explanation: aliens.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes.
Note: The London Stone will be housed at the Museum of London through 2018.
borough market
A quintessential London foodie experience awaits you at this market, one of the oldest and most popular food markets in London. It's been in existence since at least 1014, mentioned briefly in the account of a Viking invasion of London. The Vikings would gather here to sample English pastries and post it to their social media accounts, making all the Vikings back at home feel super jealous.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.boroughmarket.org.uk for opening times and more information.
st. paul's cathedral
The mother church of London was founded in 1697 though a church has existed here in some form since 604 AD. Of the former three churches, two were destroyed by fire, the first in 674 and the third in the Great Fire of 1666 (the second sacked by Vikings). The current church is lucky to be standing, literally, surviving two separate bombs, one by the feminist suffragettes in 1913 (who were clearly much more intense than today's feminists) and the other in the German Blitz of 1941. Many significant events have happened here, from the wedding of Prince Charles to Princess Diana of Wales, to the funerals of notable politicians Margaret Thatcher and Winston Churchill and a famous sermon by Martin Luther King Jr in 1964. Besides the beautiful interior, it's worth seeing the crypts, the largest of their kind in Western Europe, extending the entire length of the cathedral. Also be sure visit the Whispering Gallery. If you can climb 257 steps, you can whisper sweet nothings to your lover from over 100 ft. away due to the unique acoustic nature of the room. Just make sure your sweet nothings don't get intercepted by a horny stranger passing by.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.stpauls.co.uk for opening times and more information.
shakespeare's globe
The original Globe Theater, made known by William Shakespeare, was the spot to see and pretend to be seen in the early 1600's. Although it only held 3,000 people, due to a lack of fire regulations way back when, they often admitted double the amount. Also due to a lack of fire regulations: the theater burned down when a theatrical cannon misfired and quickly set the wooden building on fire. One can thus say that back in the day "the roof was on fire," both figuratively and literally. We know for a fact that it was fun because the second Globe Theater was shut down in 1642 by the Puritans (aka "the fun police") and then destroyed to make room for tenements, which were also probably dangerously crowded but not in a fun way. The current Globe didn't open up until 1997 but it stays mostly true to the original. The architecture is mostly the same, and the shows are often staged without modern light and sound equipment but there are fire regulations now, so no more loose cannons and grinding up against total strangers. It's also worth noting that current shows feature men and women, whereas only men were allowed to act in the original, which in retrospect sounds like it was a total sausage-fest.
Duration of shows vary. Visit www.shakespearesglobe.com for show schedule, tickets and touring information.
bonus: one new change (rooftop)
It's easy to get distracted at "London's premier shopping destination" but try your best to keep your head down as you walk past the various storefronts and make a beeline for the elevator to the Roof Terrace. Up there, you will be treated to amazing views of St. Paul's Cathedral and the London skyline, especially during sunset. There's also a bar and restaurant up top if you plan to relax up there for a bit. But we won't judge you if you head back downstairs to try on that blouse you saw from the corner of your eye.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.onenewchange.com for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: LONDON
DAY 3: Sex Appeal (Soho)
soho
The center of 20th century London's sex industry, Soho has essentially been sterilized and repurposed by the fashion and media industries as well as the high-end restaurant and club scene. For this reason, you'll still see a lot of sexy people here - they're just not for sale. Soho was also the home of the beatniks (the original hipsters) in the 1950's, and the heart of rock and roll in the 60's and 70's, when bands such as The Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin and The Who were just getting started. Suffice to say, Soho was pretty cool back in the day and although it's not as cool anymore you can still feel the remnants of cool in the air.
seven noses of soho
Installed at random on the walls of Soho are seven reproductions (originally 35) of artist Rick Buckley's nose as a form of protest against the introduction of video surveillance ("eyes") to the area in 1997. With the variety of visual stimuli in the area, it's unlikely that you'll randomly stumble upon them. You'd have to make a concerted effort to find them all, which, depending on how jaded you are, may or may not be a waste of time. For what it's worth, it is said that if you find them all, you'll be granted good fortune.
See map for location of noses.
the old curiosity shop
This 16th century shop is most likely the oldest shop in all of London and may have inspired the Charles Dickens novel of the same name. (Dickens lived close by and visited the shop often so it's not much of a stretch.) Considering it's made of wood, it's a miracle that this shop survived both the Great Fire and the Blitz and is still operating to this day, currently as an upscale, unisex shoe store. It's got a bit of a a Stuart Little vibe going on, dwarfed over time by large buildings, so here's your chance to support the little guy.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.the-old-curiosity-shop.com for more information.
covent garden
From 1674 until the mid-twentieth century, this area was known for slinging fruits and vegetables by day and trading sex by night, cementing the eternal connection between eating produce and committing sin. This link is further explored in the Alfred Hitchcock film Frenzy, in which a Covent Garden fruit vendor by day becomes a sex-worker serial-killer by night. And yes, despite the sordid introduction, it's still a place worth visiting, drawing over 40 million visitor's a year (making it one of the most popular tourist sites in the world). Currently, it hosts over 60 pubs and bars alongside restaurants, cafes, craft markets and boutiques. Unfortunately, the only fruits and veggies you'll find here now are in your $20 salad and the only sex you'll find here now is in your imagination.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.coventmarket.com for more information.
BONUS: remains of little compton street
Buried under Charing Cross Road are the remains of this Victorian-era street, which you can still see through the cracks of a side-walk grate. Contrary to popular belief, Charing Cross was not built atop Little Compton. Rather, these signs are the remnants of a tunnel that ran under Little Compton. It's still a cool piece of history, just don't go too close, in case Pennywise the clown is lurking.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes.
BONUS: ziggy stardust memorial
The album cover of David Bowie's The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust features Bowie as his alter-ego Ziggy, his leg perched on the stoop of the building where this plaque is located. See album cover for visual evidence of how much cooler Soho used to be.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes.
allies sculpture (Bond Street)
Easily overlooked on Bond St, a major shopping hub in Soho, is this sculpture of WWII allies Franklin D Roosevelt and Winston Churchill enjoying each other's company on a bench. It's obviously a salute to their heroic wartime cooperation, but in light of location it can be also be interpreted as commentary on man's joint plight in waiting for their wives to finish shopping nearby. The bronze, weathered look is symbolic of their seemingly infinite time spent waiting.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes.
lock & Co. Hatters
If shopping for hats has you convinced that there must be something wrong with the shape of your head, then you haven't been properly fitted for one. Enter Lock and Co, the oldest hat store in the world, operational since 1676, and the inventor of the bowler hat. They'll size you up good then turn even the most misshapen of heads into beacons of style. There's also a display of signed fittings from various public figures that they've fitted over the years. You might want to sign yours in case you become famous, which is much more likely now that you have a cool hat (though it's still a long shot).
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.lockhatters.co.uk for fitting appointments and more information.