DAY 1: Mass Appeal (South of River Liffey)
St. Patrick's Cathedral
The most prominent landmark in Dublin, this cathedral was built in 1191 near a well that was used by its patron saint, Patrick, to convert native Irishmen to Christianity in the 5th century; the beer-goggles probably played a part in making Christianity seem more attractive than it actually was. The well has since dried up and so has religion in general for that matter but you wouldn't know it from a visit here, where renovations have restored the Lady Chapel to its former glory and daily choir chanting echoes through the halls. The cathedral is also an important cultural site, hosting the first performance of Handel's Messiah (1742). The composition is on display inside. It's also the burial site of Jonathan Swift, dean of the cathedral, and writer of Gulliver's Travels.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.visitdublin.com for opening times and more information.
Whitefriar Street Church
Maintained by the Carmelite order, this relatively new (1825) and austere church is more noted for containing the remains of both St. Valentine and St. Albert. Although if you're planning on making a comprehensive appeal to St. Valentine, you have to pay your respects to his head at the Basilica of Santa Maria (Central Italy - Part 1) - it's just his headless body here. If you're trying to make an appeal to St. Albert, you have to be here on August 7 when his bones are dipped in holy water; drinking from that water is said to heal sicknesses. It makes sense when you consider the health benefits of bone broth, but that's taking health to a new extreme.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.visitdublin.com for opening times and more information.
The Little museum of dublin
Over 5,000 artifacts come together to tell the story of Dublin in the 20th century, from the 1916 uprising to the rise of popular Irish band U2. A highly interactive tour, it's one of the few ways to tap into the Irish spirit without drinking copious amounts of Guinness.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.littlemuseum.ie for tickets, opening times and more information.
National museum of ireland
The rest of Irish history, from 7,000 BC to present day, you can learn about from a variety of exhibits at this museum, including The Treasury, where you'll find see some really ornate, thousand year old chalices. You won't be able to drink from them, but it likely is for the best; they look like the chalices from Indiana Jones, so drinking from them will instantly turn you into a skeleton. The Kingship and Sacrifice exhibition features some very cool yet very unfortunate remains of Iron Age tribespeople who were sacrificed and whose bodies were dumped into bogs, thus preserving their remains over time. Finally, there's an exhibit on Irish gold, for women who like staring at shiny things, and one on Vikings in Ireland, for men to tap into their repressed masculinities.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.museum.ie for tickets, opening times and more information.
oscar wilde statue
It took almost 100 years after the death of the famed poet and playwright for conservative Ireland to commemorate his legacy as his work was often sexual in nature and the Irish were notoriously repressed in that regard, which explains the heavy drinking. The sculpture was unveiled in 1997 near his childhood home and met with mostly positive reception despite it looking more like a sleezebag who catcalls passing women, or an Irish version of the Fonz. Fitting for he who "can resist everything, but temptation."
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.visitdublin.com for more information.
Trinity college
Ireland's oldest university was founded in 1592 by order of Queen Elizabeth, to be modeled after the great universities of England: Oxford, Cambridge and Hogwarts. Contrary to popular belief, the primary attraction on campus is not the young and hot student body (eyes here) but the old and dusty books that make up The Long Room, thousands of ancient texts in all, including The Book of Kells and other ancient texts. Notable graduates include Jonathan Swift, Bram Stoker and Oscar Wilde, all famed writers, but if you think about it, they all sound like names of porn stars, proving once and for all, that this student body is unrivaled in sexiness.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.tcd.ie for opening times and more information.
christ church cathedral
One of the two Protestant, medieval-era churches in Dublin, Christ Church predates its counterpart St. Patrick by just under a century, but looks a lot older, having partied pretty hard through the Renaissance. It was founded in 1028 by Norse king Sitric following his visit to the cathedrals of Rome ("gotta get me one of these"). There are lots of morbid goodies to see inside: the tomb of Strongbow, who led the Norman conquest of Norse-Ireland, the embalmed heart of St. Laurence O'Toole, archbishop from the 12th century, more bodies in the 12th century crypt, the oldest still-standing structure in all of Ireland, then finally, the mummified remains of a cat and mouse that were found in the 1850's in a defunct organ, a gruesome end for Tom and Jerry.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.visitdublin.com for opening times and more information.
temple bar
The area developed by Sir William Temple, early 17th century provost of Trinity College, is now known for its pubs and nightlife more than anything, forever cementing the link between higher education and alcohol. The Temple Bar Pub is a good place to start although It attracts a lot of tourists but that's what happens when your menu has over 450 Irish whiskeys to choose from.
Visit www.thetemplebarpub.com for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: Dublin
DAY 2: Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death... Or a Stiff Drink (North of River Liffey)
The Spire
Like a flag pole without the flag, this monument rises 120 meters high, well above the roofs of O'Connell Street. If you see the spire move, it's not the one too many ales you for breakfast playing tricks on you, it can actually move up to 1.5 meters on a windy day.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.visitdublin.com for more information.
General post office
Completed in 1818, in the style of modern Greek architecture, this post office famously served as the headquarters of the Easter Rising of 1916, an armed protest against British colonialism (they have risen). They may have lost the battle as the rebellion was squashed and it's leaders were executed, but they won the war as it also increased support for an independent Ireland, granted by 1918. The rebellion is honored by a statue in front of the building, which still operates as a post office, albeit much less bloody.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.visitdublin.com for opening times and more information.
National leprechaun museum
You don't need to drink to feel the magic of Ireland. This storytelling experience transports you into the world of Irish folklore, where you'll learn everything you need to know about these "degenerate fairies." Those lucky enough to catch one would be granted three wishes, kind of like a genie except less composed, drinking from rather than living in a bottle. Of course there's much more to these mythical creatures than what is popularly depicted in the media. Educate yourself and spread the word.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.leprechaunmuseum.ie for tickets, opening times and more information.
the church cafe
It's not often you get to sightsee and eat at the same time, unless you're one of those resourceful people who pack sandwiches with them wherever they go. Well you can enjoy that sandwich while the rest of us dine like gods in the confines of this restored 17th century church restaurant, which preserves the church's most notable features (stained glass windows, the organ, even the crypts) while getting rid of the less desirable features (religion, boring services) and updating the music, from chant to Irish folk.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.visitdublin.com for opening times and more information.
St. Michan's Church
Consecrated in 1686, on the site of a Viking chapel dating back to 1095, this church may not look pretty on the outside, but... well, it doesn't look pretty on the inside either, but it has one thing most church don't have: mummies. For reasons not completely known, the bodies buried in the crypt have stayed preserved for longer than the wooden coffins that held them so you will basically see a bunch of bodies, casually strewn about. Adding to the mystery, not much is known of the identity of the individuals whose corpses are chilling down there. Of the "not so fabulous four" most visible corpses one is surmised to have been a nun, another is surmised to have been a crusader while your guess is as good as any for the other two; they may as well be members of the Rolling Stones for all we know. It is said that Bram Stoker visited here when he was kid and you know how gothic he turned out. It is also said that the organ was used by Handel to compose Messiah. It's all hearsay, a testament to how much this place fires up your imagination.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.visitdublin.com for opening times and more information.
jameson distillery Bow St.
The Bow St. Distillery was established in 1780 and was taken over and expanded in 1805 by John Jameson, probably fueled by the lack of inhibition afforded by alcohol. It was the last remaining distillery in Dublin, before shuttering its doors in 1971 and reopening as a museum where visitors, fueled by a lack of inhibition, can learn about how whiskey is made, blended, or turned into a cocktail.
Tour duration: 40-90 minutes. Visit www.jamesonwhiskey.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
the hungry tree
"I'm so hungry I could eat a bench," said the tree outside The Honorable Society of King's Inn, Ireland's oldest law school. It's still protruding enough that you can have a seat but don't sit for long. Some students have gone missing over the years, just saying.
Suggested duration: 5-10 minutes.
garden of REMEMBRANCE
If you need to quickly sober up from your distillery tour, there's no better way than a visit to this sobering memorial, dedicated to lives lost in the century-long struggle for Irish independence (just don't show up with your drinking buddies to pee in the fountain). The memorial is specifically dedicated to six conflicts including the 1916 Easter Rising and ending with the War of Independence in 1921. It's also where the Irish Volunteers of the Easter Rising were founded and where they were held before execution, a reminder that freedom isn't free. While you're out getting wasted in a free Ireland, pour one out for the lives lost (again, not in the fountain).
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.visitdublin.com for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: DUBLIN
DAY 3: A Glutton for Punishment (West of City Center)
dublin flea market (last sunday of month)
If you're looking for a cheap gift to pretend you care about your loved ones back home or a cheap offering to the stomach gods, this flea market has all the goods and food your luggage and stomach can handle, so bring a duffel bag and loosen up your belt.
Suggested duration: 1-2 hours. Visit dublinflea.ie for opening times and more information.
guinness storehouse
If you're expecting to just waltz in here and go swimming in a river filled with Guinness, you're going to be disappointed. You have to pretend you care about the history and recipe behind the iconic beer, to get your lips around the rim of a chilled pint glass, like you're on a first date. Maybe it's the buildup that makes it taste better than the average pint. Or maybe, just maybe... it's real love.
Average duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.guinness-storehouse.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
kilmainham gaol
At this former prison turned museum, Irish revolutionaries were held and executed, including the Irish Volunteers of the 1916 Easter Uprising. Prisoners lived in notoriously bad conditions; you may be thinking "well maybe you should think twice before committing a crime." Well, things aren't that black and white. Children as young as seven were jailed for petty theft, and there was no prisoner segregation, meaning women and children were kept in the same cells as men who were more often accused of far worse crimes. They eventually separated men and women but the men (jailed for things like murder), were given real beds, while women, (jailed for things like abortion) were forced to sleep on stacks of hay on the ground; patriarchy's alive and well even in the prison system.
Average duration: 1-2 hours. Visit kilmainhamgaolmuseum.ie for tickets, opening times and more information.
phoenix park
The largest public park in all of Europe is twice the size of Central Park in New York, for comparison's sake. Like Central Park there are many dark and isolated stretches of land, making it a ripe place for murder, though the most high-profile murders occurred in 1882 and 1982, so you don't have to worry about getting murdered here until 2082. It's a great place to relax or play sports though playing frisbee is not allowed on park grounds for some odd reason. There's also plenty of flora and fauna from the Victorian-era flower garden to the resident deer herd whose ancestors have been living on park land since its inauguration in 1622, though back then, the high-society folk hunted them; now, they are the hunters - don't get caught alone with them in a quiet corner of the park.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit phoenixpark.ie for more information.