DAY 1: Untimely Death (County Cork)
The beacon
Built on orders of the British government, following the failed 1798 Irish Rebellion, this white-painted, stone beacon serves as both a warning to ships coming too close to the cliffs, but also as a warning to the Irish not to start shit up again. The locals commonly refer to it as “Lot’s Wife,” the character in the Old Testament who looks back at the burning city of Sodom, against the will of God, and is instantly turned into salt which would have happened to anyone - it’s like telling you to come here and not look at the view.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.thewildatlanticway.com for more information.
lis ard sky garden crater
Designed by artist James Turrell, much like his Celestial Vault in The Hague (Netherlands - Part 3), this interactive land based art work allows you to experience the sky as if it were the ceiling of the vault, without distraction. Just you and the sky… getting it on. Well, you and the sky and another person, lying toe to toe with you on a stone tablet. On second thought, this may get awkward.
Visit www.lissardestate.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
drombeg stone circle
The site between these 17 stones was excavated in 1958 to reveal the cremated remains of a small child inside a cooking pot. Not saying they ate their young, but they probably ate their young (tastes like chicken). It’s probably just the child’s funerary remains, but there’s evidence of a kitchen 100 feet away, and as the saying goes where there’s a prehistoric kitchen there’s a child cooking.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.wildatlanticway.com for more information.
bonus: kilbritain
What sounds like a message of open hostility against Britain (can you blame them?), actually translates to “Britton’s Church,” the town best known for it’s namesake Kilbritain Castle; dating back to 1035, it’s the oldest of its kind in Ireland. Passed through many hands over the years (castles are such whores!), including the likes of Oliver Cromwell, it’s now under the ownership of the Cahill -O’Brien clan, which sounds exactly like the name of someone who would own a castle. The village is also famous for the Kilbritain Whale, a whale that was stranded on the beach in 2009 and still survives on the beach to this day thanks to the help of the locals. Just kidding, it’s dead but it’s 60 foot skeleton remains on display in a local park so that everyone can take a peak; what a whore!
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.purecork.ie for more information.
nohoval cove
This cove setting has everything one would want from a cove: cliffs, rock formations, little to no tourists, and an abandoned slate mine (that last bit wasn’t necessary but we’ll take it). If you don’t mind falling to your demise you could try slowly descending the 75 degree cliff face to access your own private beach. Well it’s already someone else’s private beach but you just “weren’t aware.”
STAY THE NIGHT IN: cork
DAY 2: Half-Assing It (Cork & Tipperary)
cork
The third largest city in Ireland, after Dublin and Belfast, Cork is known by locals as “the real capital of Ireland” and “the rebel city” as it was the primary city to oppose the treaty that Ireland made with Britain to end the Irish Civl War, which granted Ireland only partial independence from Britain (you can’t half-ass a war for independence). It’s appropriate that the rebel city transition to the seat of all things hipstery in Ireland. With street art, coffee shops and craft breweries, Cork is undoubtedly the Brooklyn of Ireland.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.purecork.ie for more information.
blarney castle
Dating back to 1446, this medieval stronghold was built by Cormac MacCarthy (not the writer, the feudal lord). It was later seized by those loyal to the English Parliament during the Irish Confederate Wars before it was granted back to the MacCarthy’s before it was again seized during the Williamite War of 1690. Honestly it doesn’t really matter who owns it as long as I get to check it out. It’s most famous for the Blarney Stone, or the Stone of Eloquence, against which, legend holds, you could stand upside down and kiss it (kind of like the upside down kiss in Spiderman except a cold rock instead of some super hot chick). Your acrobatics, over a crack in the ground with a 50 foot drop no less, is said to grant you the gift of eloquence but honestly that’s a lot to ask for. You’re better off sampling some of the medicinal plants in the garden, such as opium and cannabis, for a short cut to eloquence. As long as you know the different between an opium plant and a ricin plant, otherwise it’s just a short cut to your inevitably lonely demise.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.blarneycastle.ie for tickets, opening times and more information.
Rock of Cashel
Also known as Cashel of the Kings or St. Patrick’s Rock, this rock is said to have been the result of St. Patrick banishing Satan from a nearby cave (apparently he was late on his rent multiple times), which sent this rocky mound flying to its current location, where the king of Munster built the castle to rule over “everything the light touches.” St. Patrick is also said to have converted the Munster king to Christianity, apparently not sufficiently content with his own choice of religion. The kings of Munster ruled from this fortress until they gifted (or re-gifted) the land with its castle to the Catholic Church in 1101, the same time the still-standing tower was built.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.cashel.ie for opening times and more information.
Holycross abbey
This now-restored Cisterian monastery was founded upon a purported relic of the Holy Cross, signed by Jesus himself, that was brought to Ireland in the 1200’s. For that reason it became a popular Catholic pilgrimage site until the monastery became ruined around 1632. But like Jesus himself, this abbey rose from the ashes and was restored as a national monument in 1669. And for its house warming party, the Vatican sent them an additional relic of the Holy Cross, because apparently relics of the cross grow on trees, still on display along with the original relic. Both were briefly stolen in 2011 by people who likely don’t believe in God’s wrath.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.holycrossabbey.ie for opening times and more information.
bonus: kindred spirits: Choctaw native american monument
Millions of lives were lost in Ireland in 1847, the worst year of the Irish famine, but help came from the most unlikely of places - the Choctaw Native Amercians, themselves no strangers to hardship, having just been forced to march the 500 mile Trail of Tears just 15 years prior, sent the Irish $170 (cheap bastards). Actually it amounted to several thousand dollars after inflation and was all the money they had (my bad). This generosity forged an everlasting bromance between the Irish and the Choctaw Native Americans that lasts to this very day, as they continue to work together on initiatives to alleviate hunger worldwide. (Just make out already!)
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: cork or copper coast
DAY 3: Heavy Metal (Copper Coast & Waterford)
The COpper Coast
This scenic 50-mile stretch along the southern coast of Ireland derives its name from Ireland’s historic copper mining industry, which was primarily based in there here parts. There’s no manual labor to be found here now - just beaches and cute villages.
Average duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.visitwaterford.com for more information.
Tankardstown engine house
At the peak operation of this Victorian-era mining site, 1200 workers worked tirelessly mining ore from the ground so that you can enjoy ore today without having to work for it (*looks up what ore is used for*). It closed in 1877 but its ruins are ripe for exploration.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes.
old red iron bridge
From 1906 to 1967, this bridge was used to deliver love letters and hate mail across the river Suir, before It was abandoned in favor of faster routes in 1995. It clearly suffers from abandonment issues today; the once fresh, silver coat has now reverted to a natural iron-red and it’s mostly covered in shrubs. Traverse it at your own risk of falling through loose planks or getting hit by ghost trains.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes.
house of waterford crystal
The stuff that wedding registries are made of are themselves made here in Waterford. 750 tons of crystal are melted yearly to create the over 45,000 pieces that appear on your friend Tiffany’s registry. Why she needs all this crystal for her 200 square ft Brooklyn apartment is beyond human understanding but the high quality of the crystal becomes apparent after a factory tour.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.waterfordvisitorcentre.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
bonus: castleboro house
All that remains of a mansion built by Rob Carew (not Rod Carew, the baseball player, but Rob Carew, the decidedly more boring Whig Party representative) are these ruins. Built in 1770, it was later burnt to a crisp in 1923 by IRA sympathizers (those Whigs had it coming, let me tell you). It might be overcooked, but it’s still ripe for exploring if you get permission from the current land-owner.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes.