DAY 1: Casks and Castles (Road to Western Ireland)
Bonus: kilbeggan distillery
With a “license to distill” dating back to 1757, Kilbeggan is the oldest distillery in Ireland, though it wasn’t all smooth drinking along the way. The first owner quit when his son, the distillery manager, was executed after a rebellion against British rule; only whiskey could have convinced him that rebelling against the British was a good idea. Both the second and third owning families drove the business to new heights, before being hit by waves of people deciding that having fun was a bad idea, first due to the abstinence pledge of 1838 and then to due to the Prohibition of the 1920’s. The string of bad luck finally caught up with the distillery, forcing it to close its doors in 1957 before triumphantly returning on its 250th anniversary in 2007. Lest you think it’s just a polished modern operation, this distillery still uses a 19th century water wheel and Pot Still, the oldest still-operational Pot Still in the world, to create its signature spirits. As an added bonus, the ghosts of the failed previous owners are said to haunt the distillery but they’re known to be friendly. Perhaps it’s the “angel’s share,” the alcohol that’s lost to evaporation, that quells their more malicious ghostly urges.
Tour duration: 1-3 hours. Visit www.kilbeggandistillery.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
bonus: tullamore distillery
In the 1780’s, there were thirty registered distilleries in County Offaly. Thankfully, due to changes in regulations, there are only two major distilleries operating today; otherwise, it would be a long and regrettable day. Ireland’s primary blended whiskey, produced since 1829, changed hands a few times, before being passed down to Daniel E. Williams, who stamped the signature spirit with his initials - Tullamore D.E.W. He started out as a stable boy, perhaps inspiring the company’s slogan “every man deserves his D.E.W.” Of course, most men will have to settle for some whiskey rather than their actual due in life, and women of course will be left with nothing, but they can also drown their sorrows at this distillery, which, much like Kilbeggan, reopened a half-century after closure.
Tour duration: 1-5 hours. Visit www.tullamoredew.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
sean's bar
If you haven’t had enough to drink by now, you either have great willpower, high tolerance, or no sense of personal limitations. Whether you’re desperately chasing that buzz or desperately in need of bar food, you’ll find both at Ireland’s oldest pub, which has somehow stayed in operation since 900. In case you think it’s just another episode of Drunk History, there’s plenty artifacts displayed on the walls to prove its near-ancient origins. It all started when a guy named Sean… or rather Luain Mac Luighdeach established an outpost offering guidance to travelers traversing the River Shannon. At some point he or one of his descendants opened an inn and pub, probably realizing that it’s better to drown in alcohol and turn back home than to drown in the Shannon.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.seansbar.ie for opening times and more information.
rindoon castle
Built in the 13th century, this medieval trading outpost had everything you could ask for in a town: castle, hospital, church, mill and third-wave coffee shop. But once Starbucks moved in the 14th century, it was no longer cool and was soon abandoned (or maybe it was the constant Gaelic attacks against the Norman settlers). Either way, the ruins are solid and easily accessible via short walk.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.athlone.ie for more information.
clonmacnoise
Founded in 548 by St. Ciaran, this monastic site was a major center for religious study, or religious slacking off, skipping class and getting high, but mostly religious study, the original form of a higher education. Under influence of the most powerful drug known to man (religion), many masterpieces of Celtic history and art were created here, including three ornately-decorated crosses, now protected from the elements in the visitor center. Inside the cathedral, you can visit the grave of Rory O’Connor, who sounds like a member of One Direction but was actually the last high king of Ireland; St. Ciaran purportedly rests in the smallest of the churches.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.athlone.ie for more information.
athenry dominican priory
The foundation of this priory, and all other priories, would not have been possible if not for some very wealthy benefactors over the years; being a monk doesn’t exactly pay the bills but it’s a great way to get a free ride through life. The property and church were donated in 1241 by Milo de Bermingham followed by further donations over the following centuries (hopefully with a major tax write-off) to create an entire campus for religious study and living, which thrived for a long time because of the cooperation between Gaelic and Norman tribes, unlike what transpired at Castle Rindoon. Nevertheless, all the hard work was for naught, as the priory was destroyed by Oliver Cromwell’s troops in a Puritan assault on Catholic Ireland in the 1650’s and further looting by British troops looking for treasure in the early 20th century; if only they knew the real treasure was the friends they made along the way. All thats left now is the church and surrounding tombstones, dating as far back as 1252 - that of it’s original benefactor.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit monastic.ie for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: GALWAY
DAY 2: Hallowed Ground (Galway)
BONUS: Galway cathedral
Usually cathedrals are built on hallowed ground - a place where a miracle occurred or a place where previous people worshipped - but this cathedral was built on the site of a former prison, which is essentially like building a hotel on an Indian burial ground and then inviting Jack Nicholson and his family to stay here alone in the winter - it’s not going to end well. Nothing bad has gone down here yet, but something bad is bound to happen. Usually cathedrals are also proud of how old they are, but this cathedral is proud of its relative youth. Completed in 1965, it’s the youngest of its kind in Europe; let’s see how you look in 1000 years then we can talk.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.galwaycathedral.ie for opening times and more information.
brigit's garden & cafe
Set among eleven acres of trees and wildflowers is this traditional Celtic garden, actually comprised of four unique gardens, each representing one of the four seasonal Celtic festivals, symbolic for the cycle of life. A hiking trail leads you to your eventual death, but then you can meditate yourself back to life in the central Roundhouse. If prefer coffee to feel alive again, there’s also the cafe.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.brigitsgarden.ie for opening times and more information.
wild atlantic way
With 2,500 km of scenic coastal driving, stretching the entire length of Ireland, it’s a miracle that more cars don’t accidentally drive off cliffs. That’s why you have two eyes, one to look at the view, and one to keep on the road. You won’t be driving the whole route today but there’s plenty scenery to chew up or swallow whole in the Bay Coast region alone, along your way to the following stop.
Average duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.wildatlanticway.com for more information.
BONUS: alcock & brown memorial
The first successful transatlantic flight, piloted by British aviators John Alcock and Arthur Brown, departed from Newfoundland in 1919, and crash landed here in Galway, if you can call that successful. They said if the weather was good they would have made it as far as London; sure you would have. But enough diminishing their achievement. They battled through rough weather the entire 16-hour flight, including several fog-induced near-dives into the Atlantic. It wasn’t a smooth ride by any means, but they get do an A for Atlantic. There are two memorials, a plane fin and what looks like a plane nose in the ground. Perhaps it’s just the wreckage.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit visitgalway.ie for more information.
kylemore abbey
The Benedictine nuns who fled Belgium during World War I found refuge in this run-down shack near the bogs of Galway; at least that’s a modest description of this former home belonging to the Duke and Duchess of Manchester. It served as an all-girls school for over 100 years before closing down in 2010, because who wants to go to an all-girl Catholic school anymore? It’s like a sorority except instead of shaming your body, they’ll shame your soul. You can tour the castle and gardens with your fat rolls hanging out.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.kylemoreabbey.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
connemara national park
Over 7,000 acres of grasslands and woodlands, with endless bogs and heaths (looks up bogs and heaths). Also, all the mountains are named Ben and none of them are short for Benjamin. (Come on, Benglenisky is not even a real name.) The best path for your time is the hike to Diamond Hill, taking you past an abandoned 19th century farm as well as the tombs of 3rd century BC farmers, and up to the summit featuring stunning views of the Benjamins and the Atlantic, all the more stunning under the light of a sunset.
Suggested duration: 3 hours. Visit www.connemaranationalpark.ie for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: GALWAY
DAY 3: Cut Down to Size (Clare)
kilmacduagh abbey
Legend has it that this now-ruined abbey was founded in the 7th century by Saint Colman, who was walking in the area when his girdle fell off. He took it as a sign that he should build the abbey here which is quite a stretch. Maybe he should have taken it as a sign that he needed a tighter girdle. (Also not sure why he’s wearing women’s clothing to begin with but that’s another story.) It is also said that no man will ever die of lightning at Kilmacduagh. You wouldn’t be the first fool to put this legend to the test. Legend has it that some fool was indeed hit by lightning, sending him flying to a nearby town. He died but technically not at Kilmacduagh.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit monastic.ie for more information.
fiddaun castle
To get inside this ruined 16th century castle, you will first have to find the key. What sounds like an adventure is really just asking a local for directions to the landowners house. They’ll either guide you to the castle themselves or just give you the key to the castle door, depending on how busy they are (but really depending on how cool you are). After a short hike, you arrive at the castle and climb a narrow spiral staircase to the top where, for a moment, you will feel like a king before returning to your ordinary existence.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes.
burren national park
Translating to “rocky place,” Burren lives up to its name; walking through its glaciated karst landscape is kind of like walking on the moon except, you know, with gravity. A popular but difficult hike takes you to past stretches of moon-land to the summit of Mullaghmore Mountain. aka “Pancake Mountain,” looking exactly like a stack of pancakes, except, you know, without the syrup.
Average duration: 3 hours. Visit www.burrennationalpark.ie for opening times and more information.
BONUS: poulnabrone dolmen
Dating back to the Neolithic period (4200-2900 BC), this “portal tomb” is sadly not a portal to another dimension (as far as we know), “portal” referring merely to the shape of it. It could also have been a dinner table for giants, but that’s not supported by any evidence, it’s just fun to think about. A 1985 excavation found remains of 33 distinct individuals, though none of them being complete remains, basically just a collection of bones, which only furthers the “giants eating normal humans for dinner” theory.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes.
BONUS: doolin cave
The most notable feature of this cave is the Great Stalactite, the longest free-hanging stalactite in Europe, and fourth-longest in the world. It all started with one calcium-infused water droplet several thousand years ago, slowly but steadily growing over the years into the fine young stalactite you see today. This “show cave” is really a “one-trick pony” but it’s a trick that’s worth seeing.
Average duration: 60 minutes. Visit doolincave.ie for tickets, opening times and more information.
cliffs of moher
You can walk up to eleven miles along this seaside cliff for dramatic views of the ocean and voyeuristic views of cliff-birds mating. The most popular attraction in Ireland outside of Dublin features three distinct viewing platforms and a fourth view from O’Brien’s Tower, built in the 1800’s specifically to cater to Victorian tourists, though some people say he built it to impress a woman he liked. If she wasn’t impressed by this tower and view then he really dodged a bullet; on a clear day, you’ll see as far as the Aran Islands. The cliffs famously cameo’d in The Princess Bride and Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince so you know them cliffs magical af.
Suggested duration: 3-4 hours. Visit www.cliffsofmoher.ie for tickets, opening times and more information.