DAY 1: They Kilkenny - You Bastards! (Kilkenny)
LeaC an scail
Also known as the Kilmogue Portal Tomb, this “dolmen” is one of the tallest of its kind in Ireland, reaching over 13 feet (naturally, it played starting center on its high school basketball team). Most likely built around 3000 BC, it was dedicated to the Mogons or the mountain gods of ancient Irish myth, but is commonly referred to as the “hero’s stone,” in reference to the mythological medieval- warrior clan the Fianna led by a guy named Finn MacCool, who was definitely the cool kid in high school based on his name alone but didn’t get good grades and died of an overdose. In reality, if he ever did exist, he was basically the Irish version of Robin Hood.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.irelandsancienteast.com for more information.
kells priory
Founded in 1193 by Geoffrey FitzRobert, the brother-in-law of the lead-Norman invader Strongbow, this priory spent most of the next hundred years fending off attacks, which naturally led to its current fortress-like appearance. A short, 2.5 mile detour takes you to the ruins of Kilree Irish Round Tower and Kilree High Cross. Dating back to the 9th century, it is the purported burial place of the 9th century high king of Ireland, Niall Caille. Be sure to heed that sign saying “Beware of Bull” or you’ll end up just like Niall.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.visitkilkenny.ie for more information.
jerpoint abbey
This Cisterian abbey was built in the 12th century and remained active until it was abandoned in the 1500’s, with the Dissolution of the Monasteries under Henry VIII of England - apparently their ain’t no rest for the holy either. But their legacy lives on in the very intricate stone carvings around the abbey, including the 1202 grave of Bishop Felix O’Dulany, “The Brethren” and “The Wheepers.”
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.southeastireland.com for more information.
cantwell fada
Outside the ruined 14th century Kilfane Church stands the effigy of a towering knight, with its right leg crossed over its left leg, indicative of its subjects participation in the Crusades (either that or he pissed himself). The effigy is believed to be of the local lord of Kilfane, Thomas de Cantwell, who lived around the 1300’s, which coincides with the Crusades, fighting in which would’ve given one a valid reason to pee in their pants. It is thought that the effigy was once part of a sarcophagus, based on its design, but now stands upright, hiding his true grave. Legend says misbehaving kids were made to kiss the statue right-side up at least.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.irelandsancienteast.com for more information.
tullaherin round tower
This 9th century tower, accompanied by a late medieval church, was probably built as a lookout tower, the first defense against invading Norseman. “The Norsemen are coming!” Clearly advance warning didn’t help, or they were just too distracted by those sexy blonde-haired Norsemen, because the complex was left in ruins. You can learn about its history at the nearby folk museum.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: KILkenny
DAY 2: Reckless Abandon (Laois & Carlow)
kilkenny
The city of Kilkenny sprung up around its namesake Kilkenny Castle, itself built by Strongbow to protect the Normans from invasion (they should know a thing or two about invasion, having just invaded Ireland themselves). The city is known as the “Marble City,” since many of the buildings and churches are made of black limestone, in case you just thought they were all desperately in need of a power-wash. After you power-wash the castle, you can take a walk through the Kilkenny ‘slips’, the narrow street that evoke a feeling of being in medieval times without getting beheaded, for no reason whatsoever. Kilkenny become known for its brewery scene as well, the refreshing red Smithwicks ale being chief among them. Drink irresponsibly.
Suggested duration: 2 hours. Visit www.visitkilkenny.ie for more information.
dunmore cave
First referenced in the Triads of Ireland, an ancient collection of Irish sayings, this limestone “show-cave” which makes the cave sound like a cheap strip club, is known for its calcite rocks, most notably The Market Cross, a columnar rock formation. It’s also purportedly the site of a viking massacre in 928; archaeologists found the remains of women in the cave suggesting they were hiding and the vikings set fire to it, suffocating them. Either that or this viking strip club was lit, literally, and burnt to the ground.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.visitkilkenny.ie for more information.
rock of dunamase
Perched on this rock are the picturesque remains of Dunamase Castle, built in the 12th century on the foundation of a fort built by Christians in the 9th century that was pillaged by the Vikings, then later given as a gift to Strongbow, before being pillaged during the Cromwellian conquest of Ireland in the 1650’s. Take a look at the shot above. Now you understand why it looks the way it does.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.irelandsancienteast.com for more information.
brownshill portal tomb
At 100 metric tons, this “dolmen” is the heaviest of its kind in all of Europe (don’t make any comment about it’s weight though, it’s very sensitive). Built between 4000 and 3000 BC, it’s said to be a tomb but was never excavated; it might just be a stack of rocks.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.irelandsancienteast.com for more information.
rathgall hillfort
Forming a nearly-perfect circle, these three Bronze Age ramparts show evidence of either domestic or ritual use. But never mind what science says - locals believe it’s the home of fairies, and childless couples come here, rather than a fertility doctor, for favor.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.visitwicklow.ie for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: county wicklow
DAY 3: Virtues and Vices (County Wicklow)
Wicklow Mountains national park
At the crossroads of nature and civilization, this park is a place of many juxtapositions, from virgin lakes to used-up ruins, wild forests to well-kept gardens, ancient tombs to modern memorials, calm waters at a distance to rushing rapids at arm’s reach.
Visit www.wicklowmountainsnationalpark.ie for opening times and more information.
Dan clancy’s memorial chair
When he was a boy, Dan Clancy would walk up the hill with his siblings. When he grew up he moved to New York. How typical, that is until he died of cancer. Before dying, his brother Andrew visited him in the hospital where they preemptively planned his memorial. The chair, engraved with his Dan’s name on its back and adorned with a teddy bear courtesy of Dan’s partner, now sits facing Dan’s favorite lookout. I’m not crying… you’re crying!
Suggested duration: 10 minutes.
glendalough monastic site
Built by St. Kevin in the 6th century, this monastery served as a place of refuge for centuries to come. Scriptures say that St. Kevin spent his time here “fighting knights,” thought to refer to his temptations, but it’s cooler to imagine him actually fighting.
Duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.visitwicklow.ie for more info.
glendalough upper lake
You could just settle for a beautiful view of this lake, easily accessible from the parking lot, or you may try to brave a shoddy path down to the lakeside, to explore remnants of churches and St. Kevin’s Bed, a cave in the rock where the saint retreated from temptation. She’ll never find me here!
Duration: 90 mins. Visit www.visitwicklow.ie for more info.
BONUS: seefin passage tomb
What appears to be a 23 foot-long passage tomb was excavated in 1931 and found to be without any remains. Engravings indicative of a burial place were discovered. Basically, those remains were either stolen… or zombies.
Duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.visitwicklow.ie for more info.
lough tay viewing point
There’s no ruins at the bottom of this view so you can just enjoy it without the need to exert yourself. Even if you felt tempted to walk down, you can’t. This lake belongs to the Guinness family and is often called “Guinness Lake,” as its sandy perimeter makes it looks like a foamy pint of stout; might take a few pints to fully appreciate its resemblance.
Duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.visitwicklow.ie for more info.
victor’s way indian sculpture park
Dedicated to mathematician and overall genius Alan Turing, this meditation garden’s adorned with black granite statues, incorporating elements of antiquity with modernity, such as the statue of Ganesha, elephant god, grasping a Guinness. I don’t know about you, but there’s a god I could grab a beer with, and a god you could grab a beer with is fit for worship.
Duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.victorsway.eu for more info.
powerscourt waterfall
It’s not the tallest waterfall in the world, but at 400 feet, it’s the best Ireland’s got. Perhaps to compensate for a lack in length, it’s surrounded by fancy imports like giant redwoods from the California coast and Japanese deer. Not to worry, your picnic-perfect surroundings are more than enough to keep us sated.
Duration: 60 mins. Visit www.powerscourt.com for more info.
puck’s castle
Puck, roughly translating to “spirit,” is the name given to this supposedly haunted castle from the late 16th century. According to records, the daughter of a local Englishman was seen picking flowers here before her never-solved disappearance. There is not much to see here but remains of a staircase and maybe the girl’s ghost, hopefully more Casper and less Samara from The Ring.
Suggested duration: 10 minutes
The Oratory Dún Laoghaire (LIMITED ACCESS DURING SPRING AND SUMMER)
In honor of the Irish who died in World War I, sister Concepta Lynch spent nearly two decades decorating this memorial, which, on top of being a nun, is a testament to her devotion. Inspired by the Book of Kells and Islamic art, she designed this large continuous mural with bold colors and symbols that brings it to life years after. If only it weren’t so difficult to get in; perhaps we’re not worthy.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.dunlaoghaire.ie for opening times and more information.