DAY 1: All Aboard the Cruise Ship to Pisa
bonus: villa demidoff
The once-sprawling Villa di Pratolino was designed by Bernardo Buontalenti, his "good talents" also on display at the Buontalenti Grotto in Florence (Central Italy - Part 5). The villa was commissioned by a Medici duke to please his mistress before it fell to ruin, much like his marriage (drumroll). The most-prominent remaining feature is the "Appennino" a sulking Colossus by Giambologna among some other smaller works. It's re-set in a beautiful Victorian-style garden but Colossus still doesn't seem keen to be there.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.discovertuscany.com for opening times and more information.
leaning tower of pisa
It took forever, just shy of 200 years, to build this tower starting in the 1100's, and they didn't even do a good job - the leaning is a result of an epically shoddy construction job. Efforts have been made to correct the lean over the past nearly one-thousand year period until it was recognized that nobody would go out of their way to visit the Straight Tower of Pisa. The only reason it remains standing today is due to the continued efforts of one million annual tourists taking turns to hold it in place. Search "holding up the leaning tower of Pisa" if you don't know what we're talking about. So get on down to Pisa and do your part in preserving this relic.
Suggested duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.towerofpisa.org for tickets, opening times and more information.
piazza del duomo
Whoever was in charge of urban planning in medieval Pisa did a great job of saving time for future tourists by placing basically all the good stuff all in one place. In the span of a football field, you can see the Leaning Tower, Cathedral, Baptistery, and other architectural wonders, which makes this area a huge draw for American cruise-ship tourists, who like to see as much as possible with as little as possible movement. Don't limit your visit to the leaning tower; the cathedral is worth visiting for its unique interior and the Baptistery... well let's just say the interior could use work and the cemetery is nice? Yeah just stick with the leaning tower.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.discovertuscany.com for more information.
santa maria della spina
Okay, so there's a little more to Pisa then what's inside the Piazza. This one's a bit of a walk, so make sure to get permission from the cruise to see something out of the ordinary if you dare. It's not too far so you should be able to get back on the cruise in time for 3 PM dinner. The church is named after a relic, a thorn supposedly from the crown of Christ himself that was housed here, but since moved, so don't expect to find it inside. You will find plenty of beauty, however, in the architecture and surrounding scenery.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.visittuscany.com for more information.
tuttomondo of keith haring
It took the famed muralist just one week to create this enduring masterpiece in 1989, just a few months before he died of AIDS; nothing fuels the creative spirit like your impending death, just ask Van Gogh (Northern France - Part 6). The piece reflects the artist's wish for peace and harmony, reflected in the figures of different colors and shapes fitting together harmoniously, like a puzzle solved, with good vibrations filling in the gaps between all the figures. Also, there's a dolphin at the top for some reason.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes. Visit www.visittuscany.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: monterosso
DAY 2: From Spiritual to Material (Monterosso al Mare)
Parco Nazionale delle cinque terre
Yes, this place exists. No, this picture isn't photoshopped. (Well actually, it is touched up quite a bit, but still...). And no, this is not the Amalfi Coast. Allow us to introduce to you Amalfi's estranged brother - or five brothers actually - Cinque Terre meaning five lands, or five towns, with dramatic views, epic hikes, beautiful churches, forgotten relics, and most importantly, restaurants and shopping.
Chiesa di san Francesco
The steep hike required to get to this church is God's way of saying you need to lose weight. First you pass the statue of Saint Francis who also looks like he's struggling to climb up. Then you'll get to the chapel and convent, built in the 1600's, where you might be blessed to hear a chanting of monks or cursed to continue a climb without musical accompaniment toward an eerily quiet cemetery and a crypt. Views abound.
60 minutes. Visit www.conventomonterosso.it for more info.
statua del gigante
Another depressed Colossus stands along the rocky cliffs of Monterosso. You'd be depressed too, if both your arms were blown off during an Allied invasion, and the rest of you were decaying in the salty air. Someone put him out of his misery.
Suggested duration: 15 minutes.
SPiaggia di fegina
It's not cheap to bathe here, but that's the price you pay for real sand and chairs, which you won't find at other beaches around Cinque Terre. If you do pony up, go early to beat the crowds, and so you can milk this beach for all that it's worth.
3-4 hours. Visit www.e-cinqueterre.com for more information.
Monterosso al mare old town
Chances are you'll be staying in the New Town but most of your time will be spent in the colorful, beachside Old Town, where sidewalk cafes and cavernous shops will lower your budgetary guard. No use resisting; surrender to commerce.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: Monterosso
DAY 3: (Cinque Terre Expanded)
sentiero azurro
A trail to rival Amalfi's "Path of the Gods," the seven-mile "Blue Path" connects all five towns of Cinque Terre and could take up to seven hours to hike, assuming the path is accessible at all places, which it almost never is, due to its constantly varying condition. The best strategy is to check the map before departure, cab it to an accessible starting point then walk back toward Monterosso along the path. If you're looking for something equal parts romantic and strenuous (much like the average relationship) start the hike on Via dell'Amore, or "The Path of Love," which begins at Riomaggiore, the furthest possible starting point (assuming open). For the lazies, you can start in Monterosso, walk until you realize if you go any further you might not make it back, then go back.
Average duration: 3-5 hours. Visit www.incinqueterre.com for trail conditions and more information.
bonus: guvano
This beach is not the easiest to get to but if you need two reasons to overcome the obstacles, this beach is both secret and nude. What sounds like the beginning of 1970's porn film is actually a quiet escape from the confines of society, in more ways than one. If you're hiking along the "Blue Path," between Corniglia and Vernazza, you'll see a divergent path, which leads toward the beach. Sounds easy enough, except for the fact that you're descending 450 feet in less than a half-mile which in scientific terms, is steep af. Also the trail is very primitive. You won't need any gear to tackle it but if you're missing a few gears, it's not the safest of hikes. Alternatively, you could hire a boat to take you there but it's expensive and difficult to coordinate. Either way it's difficult to reach, which helps keep it unspoiled. If you make it, you'll be treated to naked shores and naked old dudes waiting for you to get naked.
Average duration: 2-3 hours.
vernazza
Of all the five towns, Vernazza is undoubtedly the most photogenic. (Let's not comment on which one is the least.) Vernazza is beautiful any time of day, and it takes upon a special, romantic quality at night, so naturally, it's the ideal place for a candle-lit dinner and a post-dinner stroll. If you get there before nightfall, you can explore the main street, from which point there is also access to a brand new beach which only came about due to mudslide eroding the above cliffs in 2011; nature's loss is our gain.