DAY 1: Redeeming Qualities
Cathedral of santa maria del fiore
"Saint Mary of the Flowers," also known as Duomo, was built between the 13th and 15th centuries atop the ruins of a 7th century church, which you can still see in the basement, where the priests go to listen to heavy metal music when they're dad (God) isn't giving them enough space. While the interior of the cathedral is practically begging for a make-over, it was kept purposely drab to highlight the Last Judgement fresco under the dome in case you need another reminder that you will be judged for your sins. You could climb the dome, but save your energy for a later stop, where you could climb for a view of the dome from the outside.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.museumflorence.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
the baptistery of st. john
Described by the poet Dante as "my beautiful San Giovanni" (Easy there pal, you're getting kind of possessive... we just met. More on Dante later), this cathedral is of unknown origins (built by aliens?), but was first described in text, at the end of the 9th century. They hold baptisms on the first Sunday of every month. If you're into that kind of thing, you have to reserve far in advance. If you aren't into that kind of thing, you could always show yourself the door, three decorative doors to be specific depicting the life and times of Jesus and friends, the most beautiful among them being the Eastern doors depicting the Gates of Paradise, designed by Ghiberti. Michelangelo is believed to have said "these doors are so beautiful, that they would be perfect for the gates of paradise."
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.museumflorence.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
giotto's bell tower
Hopefully you've had enough carbs and espresso this morning to fuel your 414-step ascent to the top of this tower for a stunning panorama of Florence, but hopefully not too many carbs as to render you inert. If you can't muster the strength, take relief in the reliefs adorning the tower's exterior, depicting the creation, fall and redemption of mankind... still waiting on that redemption part.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.museumflorence.com for tickets, opening times and more information.
bonus: dante's house
This isn't technically the house that the famed Italian poet grew up in, but records show his house stood somewhere around here, and this specific lot was available, so the local government decided to build a museum here in his honor. The first floor details his youth, including a baptism at nearby San Giovanni (that explains his attachment). The second floor tells of his exile, and eventual death, (exiles never end well), with Dante-centric media on the third. It's a fitting tribute to the man who invented heaven and hell.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.museocasadidante.it for opening times and more information.
palazzo vecchio
Where else can you see Roman ruins, medieval architecture, and Renaissance paintings all under one roof? A combo ticket gives you entrance to the underground ruins of a Roman theater, and the bold, fresco-adorned Salone di Cinquecento (Hall of the Five Hundred), where Michelangelo and Da Vinci basically had a paint-off, simultaneously painting famous battle scenes on opposing walls. Michelangelo also scraped a self-portrait into one of the stones outside the palace which probably gave him a ton of street cred. If you're recovered from today's 414-step climb, you can also attempt the 416-step climb to the top of this medieval fortress.
Suggested duration: 60-90 hours. Visit www.visitflorence.com for opening times and more information.
bonus: museo galileo
Galileo Galilei was the first major proponent of heliocentrism, the idea that planets revolved around the sun and not the other way around, which earned him not a major accolade but rather an excommunication by the Catholic church, forcing him to live out the rest of his days under house arrest. (Why can't we do this to flat-earthers?) In this museum honoring his legacy, you'll find a set of telescopes which he used to discover the moons of Jupiter (he also created a device to measure the distance from every moon to its base... what have you done with your life?) as well as a collection of antique globes that will put your childhood globe to shame.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.museogalileo.it for opening times and more information.
uffizi gallery
One of the most visited museums in the world, the Uffizi Gallery began with a donation of the entire Medici art collection by the last Medici heiress, ("the paintings are my children" she may have said as her legacy died) before opening its doors in 1765. The highlights include some notable pieces from Boticelli (Primavera and Birth of Venus), Fillipo Lippi (Madonna and Child with Two Angels), Titian (Venus of Urbino) and more from Giotto, Michelangelo, Rafael, and Leonardo Da Vinci. The museum was built in the shape of a "U" so it's easy to navigate, but you may still need a tour guide to navigate the complexities of Renaissance art.
Suggested duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.uffizi.org for tickets, opening times and more information.
basilica of santa croce
Like in any other Renaissance church, you can spend a whole day taking in the details, but the reason you're here is to pay your respects to the Renaissance all-star team of Michelangelo, Machiavelli, and Galileo, all entombed within these walls. There's also an honorable mention to Dante, who died and was buried in exile, in Ravenna, though being buried elsewhere didn't prevent the followers of Michelangelo from stealing his bones from his Roman grave and reinterring him here. The real reason Dante hasn't been reinterred here is because he still hasn't been forgiven for his political misdeeds... so much for letting bygones be bygones.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.visitflorence.com for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: FLORENCE
DAY 2: Blown Out of Proportion
basilica of santa maria novella
The first great basilica in Florence, dating back to 1420, houses a plethora of fine Renaissance art, said to have inspired both Dante and Michelangelo. If you're struggling with that novel you've been meaning to write this might be a good place to visit. Another hidden gem is the Officina Perfumo, an apothecary of perfumes, lotions and soaps started to keep the monks in the abbey looking and feeling fresh, recently expanded to dozens of stores around the world, to keep everyone else looking and feeling fresh. It's pricey but that's the cost of saying you're wearing the same perfume Catherine de Medici wore in the 1500's.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.visitflorence.com for opening times and more information.
Cappelle medicee
For fans of Michelangelo or for people who enjoy being in close proximity to famous dead bodies, this chapel holds the tombs of several prominent members of the Medici family as well as seven Michelangelo sculptures either adorning or flanking the tombs. Michelangelo started sculpting some of the lesser known Medici tombs, but had to bounce when he sided with citizens instead of the Medicees in favor of a more democratic Florence, biting the hand that fed him. The tombs of the more famous Medicee men went unfinished and are left bare to this day, which would have served as a valuable lesson to them were they alive to learn it of course. (Later generations of Medicees not only didn't heed this lesson, they pretty much doubled down on the ostentatiousness, as evidenced by the decor in the adjacent Chapel of Princes.) Before he fled, Michelangelo hid for a short while in what amounts to a break-room that was only discovered in the 1970's, with Michelangelo sculpture sketches on the wall. Practice makes perfect, except, apparently, in his depiction of women who look more like men with breasts superimposed on the their chests. Perhaps he learned to stick to what he does best, as these are the only female sculptures that Michelangelo was ever known to have crafted.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.cappellemedicee.it for tickets, opening times and more information.
San Lorenzo Market
This is the outdoor section of Mercato Centrale, specializing in goods from pottery to leather bags, clothing, and a variety of other potential souvenirs. Most of the vendors have storehouses in the area so if you see something you like but you can't find your size or you're looking for something else, some of the vendors will actually invite you to their storehouses. Don't get too sketched out if the vendor says "come with me to my storehouse" but definitely do get sketched out if you hear that line from a guy you met at a bar. The best strategy is to shop for clothes before entering the food market, or else nothing will fit right, and you'll feel like a fatty.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.visitflorence.com for opening times and more information.
mercato centrale
A foodie (fatty?) paradise awaits in this three-level food sanctuary, where you could shop for the finest in Italian groceries, on the first floor. On the second and third floor you'll find a food court but this isn't your standard American-style food court desperately dishing out orange chicken toothpick samples to drive up business. Rather, if heaven had a food court, it would probably be much like this one with a variety of dished cooked by God him or herself, using the freshest ingredients picked by underpaid angels. (On a side note, could we talk about how good the food is at Italian gas stations?) Eat before you shop to avoid food-buyer's remorse.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.mercatocentrale.it for opening times and more information.
galeria academiei
The centerpiece of this museum is undoubtedly Michelangelo's David, one of his most famous works. It stands 17 feet tall, making him look more like Goliath than anything. There's a lot to appreciate in the sculpture beyond snickering at his undersized genitals, especially considering it was carved from a singular block of marble. You'll also find Michelangelo's Prisoners, an unfinished work intended for the tomb of Pope Julius II and other sculptures by Giotto, Boticelli, and others. It's a small gallery, almost as small as...
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.accademia.org for tickets, opening times and more information.
BONUS: hospital of innocents
Inside this 15th century orphanage, one could imagine an italian version of Annie (Anna?) singing "it's a hard knock life" in Italiano before being adopted by Daddy Medicee. Now a museum, as well as an architectural masterpiece of the Renaissance, it's a good place to take your kids as a subtle reminder of what will happen to them if they misbehave although there are worse places to be sent to than this building. When you're already living in a mansion with hundreds of your friends, who needs the drama of parents.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.visitflorence.com for opening times and more information.
BONUS: leonardo da vinci museum (via dei servi)
While Da Vinci is known primarily for his works of art, such as the Mona Lisa (Northern France - Part 1) The Last Supper and The Vitruvian Man (Northern Italy) he was also a prolific writer and inventor. (Where have all the Renaissance men gone?) Inside this museum, you'll find many of his wacky inventions, originally lost to time but reconstructed to original scale based on his writings, including machines of war, flight, and engineering. They're all pretty much useless by today's standards but predate engineering feats of the modern day, by several hundred years. Of note is the "ornithopter," basically a bicycle with wings. It looks absolutely dope but you wouldn't want to be the one to take it out for a test flight. At very least, It should make for a great Youtube blooper.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.visitflorence.com for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: florence
DAY 3: Putting Things into Perspective
Vasari Corridor
Unknown to the average fool, behind an unmarked door on the first floor of the Uffizi Gallery is the entrance to a long corridor, leading across the Arno River to Pitti Palace, adorned with an extensive collection of art. It was started by a Medici cardinal, (of course) in the 17th century, to give the Medicis a way to cross through the city without being assassinated, but it also served as refuge for officials to get away from and look down upon the rest of us plebes. All along the corridor are circular windows, with peepshow views, where you can ogle the average fool without them being aware of it. Even the tyrants like Mussolini and Hitler enjoyed the solace afforded by this hall. It is said that Hitler was so enchanted by the views that he ordered the colorful, house-adorned bridge to be spared destruction during the German retreat from Florence (great guy). The bridge did take a hit in the 1993 mafia-related car bomb, the charred art and corridor-segment were left in place as a not-so subtle reminder of the event.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.visitflorence.com for opening times and more information.
Pitti Palace
Luca Pitti, a wealthy 15th century banker, had this palace built as part of a high stakes "castle-measuring" contest with the Medici family. He may have won the battle but he lost the war as later generations of the Pittis fell on hard times and eventually sold out, literally, selling the palace to the Medicis, who made it their own by literally plastering portraits of themselves all over the walls. It's now divided into seven museums, which is probably six too many, but the Royal Apartments are worth a visit just to see where the Medici family slept (soundly, knowing they had the biggest castle) as is the Palatine Gallery for Raphael's work Woman of the Veil.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.uffizi.it for tickets, opening times and more information.
bonus: Buontalenti Grotte
Part of the Boboli Gardens (the only part worth seeing) this manmade cavern was commissioned by the Medicis and built by Bernardo Buontalenti (with a name like that, he was destined for greatness, unlike his pal Francisco Maltalenti, who ended up becoming a lawyer). The sculptures inside are intended to resemble the stalagmites and stalactites of a natural cave and yet, simultaneously depict famous mythical and historical scenes, but end up just looking like melted statues. The cave is featured prominently in Dan Brown's novel and film inferno (also the only part worth seeing, but we'll watch anything with Tom Hanks.)
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.uffizi.it for tickets, opening times and more information.
bonus: la Specola
Not your ordinary natural history museum, this eclectic collection includes the stuffed Medici pet-hippopotamus from the 1700's (I want a hippopotamus daddy, I want one now!) and wax anatomical models from the 1800's simultaneously depicting internal and external features of the human anatomy that will turn you off from sex... or turn you on - if you're into that kind of thing of course.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.piccoligrandimusei.it for opening times and more information.
Giardino Bardini
Part 1 in a trifecta of views over Florence, this garden is often overlooked because it only opened to the public in 2000, though it functioned as a private garden as far back as the 1200's; it might as well be the Garden of Eden, or paradise at least, as you will feel on an magical stroll through a wisteria-lined tunnel, and rose-lined staircase. You'll feel like a princess, even if you're a dude.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.grandigiardini.it for opening times and more information.
Abazzia di San Miniato al monte
Like Santa Croce and Santa Maria Novella, this abbey is distinguished by it's marble facade (only the front, marble is expensive.) The best view, however, is from the top of the steps, facing away from the abbey - of the Duomo, Palazzo Vecchio, and Florence from a distance. If you can pry yourself away from the views, go inside the abbey to hear the soulful chanting of the monks (see schedule first, the monks do not chant on demand). Not that you'll need convincing to do this but you could show your gratitude to the monks by stocking up on some artisanal monk-made honey and liquor. After you're done drinking, stumble on over to the abbey's cemetery, where you can pay your respects to Carlo Lorenzini, famed writer of Pinocchio; not the Disney version but the decidedly darker Frankenstein-like original version where Pinocchio is granted life, abused by all and finally, summarily executed.
Suggested duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.sanminiatoalmonte.it for opening times and more information.
piazzale michelangelo
Part 3 of the trifecta of views over Florence, this terrace was named after Florence's favorite son, Michelangelo. ("I thought I was your favorite son," inquired Dante. "We love you all the same son," responded Florence. "Now go to your room.") It gets crowded so you can take refuge at the nearby Rose Garden or Iris Garden but make sure to be back here to see the sunset over Florence. You'll be surrounded by couples taking pics and holding hands, so if you're a misanthropic loner you may want to sit this one out.
Suggested duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.visitflorence.com for more information.