DAY 1: Give Me Some Sugar (KIPU & KOLOA - SOUTH KAUAI)
MUST SEE: Kilohana
Dating back to the 1930’s, this 27,000 acre former sugar plantation provides all the necessary ingredients for historical education, rum, and diabetes. There are two ways to tour the plantation, so choose your own adventure. The plantation rail takes you within the groves of various plants and makes a pit stop to let you feed the various animals - you can package your ticket with lunch or make do by sneaking a few bites of animal feed. The safari car tour offers essentially the same but includes a drink tasting using ingredients from the farm. You’ll be shocked how much easier it is to find common ground with farm animals after a drink or two.
You can skip the rainforest hike and ideally the heavy drinking if you plan on hiking the day’s remaining stops. If you have trouble saying no to alcohol, then you might as well make a day out of it and stay into the night for a plantation dinner and luau. Or best, make a pit stop at the Koloa Rum Company store and buy some drinks, so you can make a fool of yourself after the day’s hiking.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.kilohanakauai.com for tickets, operating hours, and more information.
DO MORE: MAKAUWAHI CAVE RESERVE
The largest limestone cave in Hawaii (didn’t know it was a competition) holds enough fossils to call itself a living museum, or the closest real life equivalent to Night at the Museum. Sure, the fossils don’t come to life and you might be disappointed by the lack of dinosaur fossils, but even boring seed fossils have rich stories to share from 10,000 years ago - if you have the attention span.
Average duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.cavereserve.org for operating hours and. more information.
MUST SEE: MAHA’ulepu HERITAGE TRAIL
A four-mile round trip hike represents the last undeveloped part of the southern coastline, so do your part to keep it preserved by not littering or constructing a makeshift fast-food restaurant. If you’re lucky, you may catch a sight of whales, sea turtles or monk seals, an endangered Hawaiian species among the rugged waves and sand-dune cliffs. Ignore your cravings for a McSeal burger.
Average duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.kauai.com for opening times and more information.
DO MORE: poipu beach park
Named America’s Best Beach by the Travel Channel, Poipu Park has something for everyone from swimming and snorkeling to surfing, so if you’re not satisfied by this beach’s offerings, then you probably have some deep-seated internal issues to sort out. It’s not the end of the world though if you miss out on the beach; realistically you’ve probably seen nicer beaches in Hawaii. The rankings are likely subjective and have more to do with which beach gives the Travel Channel the highest bribe or sexual favors.
Suggested duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.poipubeach.org for more information.
DO MORE: allerton garden
Another subjectively ranked place of interest, Allerton Garden was named among “50 Places of a Lifetime,” whatever that means, by the National Geographic Traveler - just go with it. The valley in which the garden resides dates back to 1848, when it was gifted to James Kanehoa, the son of an advisor of King Kamehameha I, whose neice Queen Emma cultivated the lands, after the death of her husband Kamehameha IV, as well as her son (you’ll have to wait for your whole family to die to tackle that passion project you’ve been holding off on pursuing). Take the 2.5 hour guided tour to maximize appreciation of her labors and your living family.
Average duration: 2.5 hours. Visit ntbg.org for tour bookings, operating hours and more information.
MUST SEE: old koloa town
Starting with a humble foundation as a sugar mill in 1835, Koloa Town may not produce much sugar today, but still brings the sugar when it comes to small town charm. The entrance to town is flanked by a natural tunnel eucalyptus trees, which also is considered a natural remedy for that horrid burn line around your bikini. Once inside town, you’ll discover a plethora a cutesy shops offering a variety of local foods and gifts that you probably don’t need but the town will charm its way into your wallet.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.oldkoloa.com for shopping directory, event calendar and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT Near: KOLOA
DAY 2: On the Map, Off the Map (WAIMEA & NAPALI - WEST KAUAI)
BEACH OPTION A: Polihale state park
A purity test for beachgoers, Polihale’s difficult accessibility wards off the fair-weather sunbathers, making it perfectly suited for the more rugged coastal adventurer type. Its rough, five-mile dirt road can only be surmounted by an AWD vehicle. Maybe that Volkswagen Beetle looks cute, but cuteness has it consequences. Once you’ve accessed the beach on your Mad Max-style ‘War Rig’ Tanker Truck, you should have the beach mostly to yourself. And though the water may look tempting, it belies the currents underneath, so best to keep your aquatic temptations “at bay,” save for a bath in the otherwise tepid overflow of Queen’s Pond.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit dlnr.hawaii.gov for operating hours and more information.
waimea canyon state park
The “Grand Canyon of the Pacific” was put on the map figuratively by American explorer John Wesley Powell in 1869, and literally by the flow of water through the lava bed of a since-collapsed volcano, probably a bunch of years ago or something. The park is too big too tackle by foot in limited time, but the Waimea Canyon Lookout affords the best view, followed by several other points of dramatic landscape perspective along the two hour park drive. If you absolutely have to hike you’ll be most rewarded for your efforts by hiking the intermediate three-hour Canyon Trail, which brings you to the colossal, ego-dwarfing 800-foot Waipo’o Falls.
Average duration: 2-5 hours. Visit dlnr.hawaii.gov for operating hours and more information.
BEACH OPTION B: NA pali coast state wilderness park
Technically starting at Polihale State Park, this 16-mile stretch of coastline has some of the most awe inspiring views that are as of yet unspoiled by the filthiness that is the human race. If you have the means for it a helicopter tour might be warranted to get the best coverage of the park. If the exorbitant car rental and gas prices in Hawaii have you sweating personal bankruptcy a drive to Key Beach and kayak rental may help you to forget your financial woes. Pro tip: fashion your own driftwood raft for max savings.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit dlnr.hawaii.gov for opening times and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT near: wailua
DAY 3: In the Lap-Pool of the Gods (PUNA & HALELEA - NORTH KAUAI)
Must-see: wailua river state park
With the only navigable river in Hawaii, you’d be remiss not to explore this lush rainforest park by way of kayak. A 2.5 mile paddle adventure leads you to the ironically-marked Secret Falls trail, capped with a dip in a waterfall-fed pool. Alternatively, a fast drive to Wailua Falls doesn’t require any arm strength to access and puts you squarely in part of the opening credits of Fantasy Island. If the settings our outdated media floats your boat, you’ll find further interest the prehistoric remains of Kamokila, which contains the remains of the set from the 1995 film Outbreak if anyone was actually alive back then to have seen it. And finally, Hikinaakala Heiau holds remains of Kauai’s pre-Western society in the form of temples and rock carvings for the historically inclined, or nerds.
Suggested duration: 3-6 hours. Visit dlnr.hawaii.gov for opening times and more information.
DO MORE: kauai’s hindu monastery
If you can’t find enough spirituality in the beauty of Hawaiian nature, or if you feel like the real God is confined to the structures of a religious building, the Hindu Monastery of Kauai will show you the light. The stunning architecture certainly doesn’t hurt the case that any divine presence could get comfortable here, as will any semblance of divine presence in your increasingly corrupted self. Like the Garden of Eden, it’s hidden from the outside world, but our modern day god of navigation, or GPS, will show you the path.
Life is not always a beach, so dress modestly - no shorts or tank tops. Once inside, you’re invited to meditate on your own, or you can join the monks in prayer, trying to mimic their chant to pretend you belong. After you’ve been discovered as a fraud, you can find your way to the observation area to preview the real paradise that awaits you - 382 acres of well-groomed tropical plant life.
Suggested duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.himalayanacademy.com for operating hours and more information.
DO more: na ‘aina kai BOTanical gardens & sculpture park
If you don’t believe in God or blame God for all your problems, and you want to find some form of cultivated paradise without the divine pretense, look no further than Na ‘Aina Kai, expertly-tilled for no reason other than a human love for nature. With 240 acres and over 200 sculptures spread about the gardens, it’s a lot to take in and a walking tour might be in order. Remember, there’s no god here to guide you. The self-guided garden walking tour is the cheapest option but the 90 minute guided tour is most efficient.
Average duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.naainakai.org for reservations, operating hours and more information
MUST SEE: kilauea lighthouse
A bit more majestic than the average lighthouse, Kilauea is nestled on a lush peninsula almost 200 feet above the Pacific wave- break. The structure has been recently restored to its original 1913 glory, but its original mercury lens is no longer rotational due to the known dangers of mercury (not that it stops your daily poke habit), but you can see the lamp lit as darkness approaches.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.kilaueapoint.org for more information.
MUST SEE: hanalei lookout & Beach
One of the best views in Kauai can be observed from this lookout over the entirety of Hanalei Valley, a great option if you want to survey the land for a future military campaign… err landscape painting. It’s also an impeccable spot for photography, and as much as you abhor zen-interrupting group photos, it’s genuinely hard to resist the opportunity especially if you return at sunset.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.kauai.com for more information.
DO MORE: queen’s bath
What better way to close out your time in Kauai than with a relaxing dip in the Queen’s own bathtub. Of course, it doesn’t actually belong to the English monarchy and neither should any land for that matter, and your visit may be anything but relaxing as there have been around 30 drownings here, usually around winter. But don’t let the threat of a near certain death stop you from getting that perfect Instagram shot of you soaking in a natural tub along the Hawaiian coast, and post it right before the waves take you.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.kauaitravelblog.com for more information.