DAY 1: Safe and Unsafe Spaces (Leeward Coast)
BEACH OPTION A: ko olina beach park
The entrance to the four crystal-clear lagoons that comprise this beach park are defended by rocks, limiting the threat of both waves and pirates, making for a more relaxing swim. Even watersports are prohibited so you can swim without worrying about getting hit by a surfboard. The beaches are privately owned but publicly accessible so take extra care to treat the property like you would when visiting someone’s home, unless you’re one of those uncles who comes by to raid the fridge and clog the toilet.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.koolina.com for more information.
BEACH OPTION B: Makaha Beach Park
If you find yourself triggered at how Ko Olina isn’t inclusive to those who identify with watersports, Makaha Beach is a safe space for you, having been crowned the surfing jewel of the west, or Leeward, region. Unfortunately, it’s not inclusive for swimming, with its off-season rip currents and all-season coral reefs. Someone should really think about removing the reefs to make for a better swim. Sometimes nature just has to be destroyed for convenience sake. JK, save the environment, or whatever; snorkel around it.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.hawaiibeachsafety.com for more information.
MUST SEE: maili pillbox
If you thought you could get away with a day of just lounging around, you couldn’t have thought more wrongly. You can lounge around when you’re dead, but today you’re alive and well and this relatively chill, 1.6-mile hike is calling your name. (come to me, Susan!) The reason why the pillbox, or WWII military bunker on top of the hill, is pink is to raise awareness for breast cancer- real original. I’d like to think that this pillbox is painted pink to raise awareness for my Instagram feed and for that reason alone, don’t pass up on this opportunity. Sure, the inside of the pillbox might smell like old urine, but good thing you can’t smell a picture… yet.
Average duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.lookintohawaii.com for more information.
must see: ka’ena Point trail
With little elevation and nary a soul in sight, there’s no excuse not to hike Ka’ena, its picturesque views, and tempting tide pools to yourself. The trail is known mostly for its “spirit leap” point, from where native Hawaiians believed their souls would jump to reach heaven. (If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, don’t get any ideas.) There are two starting points (equal length) to Ka’ena Point. Just take care when walking near the water during high tide, or the waves may send your soul to heaven - along with a steep fine from the Oahu Coast Guard.
Average duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.best-of-oahu.com for more information.
DO MORE: dole plantation
Remember how the last queen of the Kamehameha dynasty, Liliuokalani, was deposed by an American-backed coup in 1893? This coup was led by Sanford Dole, whose cousin James founded the Hawaiian Pineapple Company. It wasn’t the beaches but the sugarcane which led to American interest in controlling the island, though the beaches were a nice perk. And yet, everyone comes here like it doesn’t have a rotten history. Even worse, it’s not even a functioning plantation, which is bad if you came to see pineapples growing, but good if you don’t want to see slave or underpaid labor. And yet, despite our reservations of moral grounds, we find it impossible to resist the gift shop, with all its pineapple-themed merch. Feel free to boycott or just steal stuff – we never said the best things to see in Oahu wouldn’t ruffle some feathers.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.doleplantation.com for operating hours and more information.
DO MORE: pineapple garden maze
Considered the largest of its kind in the world, Dole’s Pineapple Garden Maze gives you the golden opportunity to get lost and possibly never get found, in its 2.5 miles of native-plant laden pathways. You may want to download the (free) Dole Plantation app to mark what you’ve seen (like the ghosts of natives killed defending the land). Don’t expect pineapples (why would you?)
Average duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.doleplantation.com for operating hours and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: NORTH SHORE
DAY 2: Channel Surfing (North Shore)
BEACH OPTION A: laniakea
More affectionately known as Turtle Beach, Laniakea is Oahu’s largest turtle feeding ground (and breeding ground if they’re feeling a little frisky after dinner - you know how it is). Don’t be like those people that pick up dolphins, thus killing them, with these turtles; it’s prohibited by law to touch them. After all, you asked for the best things to see in Oahu, not the best things to touch. If you’re into snorkeling, you might be able to catch a glimpse of a turtle in natural settings, and although it’s still prohibited to touch, what happens underwater stays underwater, if you catch our drift.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.best-of-oahu.com for more information.
do more: waimea falls
Located inside a botanical garden, Waimea is one of the most easily accessible falls on the island, though you’ll still see people carrying fifty pound backpacks like they just discovered this waterfall hidden deep in the Amazon, but they won’t even get in to see the actual falls because there’s a small entrance cost and “it’s not worth it, but there’s another waterfall hidden in the forest over there,” they’re noted saying, before they disappear forever. This is Oahu, guy, not a survival TV show. There’s also a tram to the falls if you like the Disney treatment.
Average duration: 1.5-2 hours. Visit www.waimeavalley.net for operating hours and more information.
BEACH OPTION B: waimea bay beach
Not the best place to learn how to surf, unless you’re specifically learning how to die surfing, this bay is known as the birthplace of surfing, to give you some expectation on the size of the waves, especially during winter. With waves that you thought existed only in movies, nearby cliff jumping would probably be a safer activity. If you come to Oahu in summer though, chances are the water’s calm and there’s nothing to worry about, which is likely what someone once said at the beginning of an aquatic disaster movie.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.best-of-oahu.com for more information.
BEACH OPTION C: shark’s cove
Listed among the Top 12 Shores Dives in the World by Scuba Diving Magazine, Shark’s Cove would probably be listed higher if it wasn’t called “Shark’s Cove;” you know how this ends - you’ve seen the movies. The unique underwater terrain is caused by the large boulders resting on the shallow seafloor, which creates little caverns for sea creatures to hide - “oh no… don’t you dare go inside there,” someone would scream if they were watching you in the theater. You might get eaten but it’ll definitely be worth it. Consider taking the tour to maximize wildlife encounters. For small children and cowards, you can still have fun in the tide pools, , but if you recently watched Soul Surfer and are psychologically scarred, there are plenty of other things to do in Oahu, maybe sit this one out.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.hawaiisnorkelingguide.com for operating hours and more information.
BEACH OPTION D: banzai pipeline
In Ehukai Beach Park, you’ll hopefully encounter the infamous yet transient Banzai Pipeline, a coastal space known for its perfect surf-friendly (beginner deadly) barreling waves. The competition formally known as The Billabong Pipeline Masters serves as the final leg of the Vans Triple Crown of Surfing contest, both of which sound like a cross between a golf tournament or a horse race, respectively, and ingesting a large amount of psychedelic mushrooms. The Pipeline Masters takes place on Dec 5-25, worth a see if you’re in town. As with other places on the North Shore, beginners beware. Many a surfboard are broken over the shallow reefs.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.best-of-oahu.com for operating hours and more information.
BEACH OPTION E: sunset beach park
Along with Waimea and Banzai, Sunset is partially known for being one of three legs in the Vans Triple Crown Surfing Contest but we’re here for one thing and one thing only - sunset porn, made possible by the beach’s particular vantage point. It’s also a great place for snorkeling, but you’ve probably been to a few beaches today already, making this suited for a final stop and sun-watch.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.best-of-oahu.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: NORTH SHORE
DAY 3: On the Loose (Windward Coast)
must see: valley of the temples
Founded in 1963, this memorial park is exclusively reserved for the burial of residents of Hawaii so if you want to be buried here, you have to be dead and Hawaiian, which still sounds better than alive and being from any other place. You could pay respects to the dead, but they don’t care, they’re dead, so you’re better off just admiring the beautiful grounds and architecture, notably the replica of 11th century Phoenix Hall of Japan, and Catholic statues, for equal representation among the apathetic departed. Although, it wouldn’t hurt to thank the departed for making this a top attraction on Oahu – as if it matters to them.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.valley-of-the-temples.com for operating hours and more information.
do more: tropical farms nuts
Since 1987, Steve and Chrissy Paty have been cracking nuts and taking names, or order numbers, starting from the hood of their car, and culminating in the large-scale operation you see today. If you like macadamia nuts and local Oahu businesses, you won’t find anything more fresh and local than this. If you don’t like nuts and you prefer big-box stores, you’ll need to get your nuts cracked.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.macnutfarm.com for operating hours and more information.
must see: kualoa RANCH
A 4,000 acre nature reserve, Kualoa has a rich history dating back to the 13th century, when… yes, they filmed Jurassic Park here. Back to the history part, this territory marks the location of an ancient Hawaiian settlement… no, there are no real dinosaurs here. So you probably want to just take pictures and pretend you’re in Jurassic Park or getting beaten by the under-developed smoke monster from Lost. Or maybe you’d like to pretend you’re chasing after Godzilla, King Kong or playing a quick and casual game of Jumanji (newsflash: its never quick and casual). You won’t see real monsters but one may argue that we’re the real monsters.
Suggested duration: 2-4 hours. Visit www.kualoa.com for tour bookings, operating hours and more information.
BEACH OPTION A: kahana bay beacH park
Well-advertised, ironically, as one of the “best kept secret” beaches along the windward coast, Kahana Bay provides a welcome reprieve if you were fortunate enough to survive your game of Jumanji. Maybe the lack of survivors explains the lack of people on this beach. It could also be the lack of clear water relative to other beaches, but it’s more likely they were murdered for sport by the villainous Van Pelt. The beach is a great place to kayak, which also provides a fast escape, in case the game is still going. If, like Van Pelt, you have difficulties around other people, this beach may be the best thing to do in Oahu.
Suggested duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.hawaii-guide.com for more information.
BEACH OPTION B: kokololio beach park
Translating to ‘gusty,’ Kokolio attracts many tourists hoping to grab an epic picture of the towering wave-breaks, propelled by the beaches position against the valley. Or you can actually live in the moment and go for a swim or surf. Or if you really want adventure, there are reports of wild dogs off their leashes on the north end of the beach. Or you could just sit back and grab a picture of “adventurous” people getting attacked by vicious dogs - sometimes living in the moment is a dangerous proposition.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.to-hawaii.com for operating hours and more information.
must see: polynesian center
The #1 paid attraction in Hawaii, the Polynesian Center must be good if it can convince a bunch of traveling cheapskates to part ways with even more of their hard-earned vacation budget. You can chock that up to “Ha: Breath of Life,” an award-winning 100 cast member performance, highlighting the various dances of Polynesia (none of which is the macarena, fortunately). There’s a traditional canoe ride, a traditional luau and a traditional dinner (don’t look for anything to buck the trend), but if you’re looking to condense the entirety of your Hawaiian cultural experience into just one night, this is undoubtedly the best spin for your hula.
Average duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.polynesia.com for operating hours and more information.