DAY 1: Suspended Animation (HAWAII KAI)
DO MORE: Spitting caves & china wall
A short .2 mile trek along wavy but slippery cliff formations lands you in a cave that looks like a perfect place for a bit of a swim save for the fact that lots of people die making that same assumption, so just enjoy the view. You will undoubtedly come across people who don’t heed this warning and wonder if you too should ignore it and follow suit only to watch those people struggling to climb back ashore, before getting tired and gasping for their last breath. You’ll walk away knowing you made the right choice.
Along with the Spitting Caves, the China Wall is a good place to see evidence of the volcanic foundation of the island, which gets lost under Oahu’s lush greenery. Eagle-eyed movie buffs might recognize this place from Karate Kid Part II. As with above, so as below: don’t go into the water and tread carefully along the slippery rocks. If you don’t believe us then take some advice instead from the immortal Mr. Miyagi: “Walk left side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk middle, sooner or later get squish just like a grape.”
Average duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.hawaiianbeachrentals.com for more information.
MUST SEE: Koko Crater Railway Trailhead
Just a few steps, they said. It will be a good workout, they said. 1.4 miles and 1,000 (hopefully) abandoned train-track steps, with a ruggedness that gives new meaning to the word “steps” is all that’s separating you from one of the best views in the Oahu region. We never said the best things to see in Honolulu would come easy…
Average duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.hawaii-guide.com for more information. Bring water and hike early to avoid overexposure.
must see: lanai lookout
A quick stop and short walk gives you unobstructed views (unless you count the flock of tourists) of neighboring Molokai, Lanai, and on a good day, Maui (some days it just wants to stay in its room and cry) - you can make out the peak of Mount Haleakala of Maui, just behind Molokai - but if that’s your idea of checking Maui off your bucket list, you’re doing Hawaii all kinds of wrong.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.to-hawaii.com for more information.
must see: halona blowhole
A blowhole, in case you were wondering, is a rock formation that shoots out wave-crashing water, like a wannabe geyser - yeah, we said it. If you come in winter, you might be lucky enough to see a real blowhole on the back of a humpback whale, but for the most part, you’ll be contending with tourists for a subpar natural phenomenon that, were you a cartoon, would have you blowing steam from the top of your head. It is noteworthy however for its appearance in 50 First Dates, the movie in which Adam Sandler has to woo Drew Barrymore every day due to her memory problem, or she was just incredibly ditzy and playing very hard to get.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.hawaiianbeachrentals.com for more information.
DO MORE: makapu’u lookout
Often overshadowed by Halona, Makapu’u, or “bulging eye,” is arguably an even better lookout than its neighbor with a view that would have your eyes, if you were a cartoon, “bulging” out of their sockets. While it might not have a blowhole to clap your hands at (as if Halona blowhole is somehow validated by your applause) it has a lighthouse, which is like porn for a more refined tourist.
Suggested duration: 30 minutes. Visit www.to-hawaii.com for more information.
DO MORE: top of Kuli'ou'ou Trail
If you have any gas left in the tank both literally and metaphorically, after having hiked Koko Crater earlier today, and can peel yourself away from “the road more traveled” of easily accessible coastal views above, you’re in for an elevated, oft-overlooked sunset treat. Just because there aren’t as many tourists here doesn’t mean it isn’t a top thing to do in Honolulu – it just means they don’t want it as bad as you. Of course, you can’t have dessert if you haven’t had your vegetables so you will almost certainly suffer through the intermediate level 1600-foot ascent but the unparalleled views (and accompanying s’mores perhaps?) are suited to the struggle.
Average duration: 3-4 hours. Visit www.hawaii-guide.com for opening times and more information. Bring water, hike later in the day.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: WAIMANALO/BEACH
DAY 2: Jellyfish and Jetpacks (Waimanalo)
BEACH OPTION A: Waimanalo Beach Park
When the going gets tough and the surf gets rough, you can count on this bay for more temperate conditions; of course, if you have a psychological meltdown, that’s on you. There is the occasional jellyfish, so be sure to pack the occasional peanut butter, which makes for surprisingly efficient bait, and maybe, an unexpected food mashup (after chocolate chip cookie grilled cheese, sky’s the limit) or stick with a Hurricane Popcorn, a Hawaiian specialty. Normally you’d want to be fit for the beach but this public beach is for the locals, and let’s just say they like food.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.hawaiianbeachrentals.com for operating hours and more information.
BEACH OPTION B: LANikai beach
Along with the preceding Waimanalo and the succeeding Kailua, Lanikai has some of the cleanest water and sand that the entire island has to offer; if anything this beach gets dirtier just by you being here. As at Waimanalo, you won’t find much commercially, so you’ll need to bring your own gear (towels, chairs, water-powered jetpack, etc). The biggest advantage of this beach though is the ease of access to the next point of interest, the Pillbox hike (below) but we know that once you go jetpack, you never go back.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.hawaii-guide.com for operating hours and more information.
Lanikai Pillbox Hike
If you’re at Lanikai Beach and you’re feeling guilty about how relaxed you are (said nobody ever), you have the option of a short but moderately-difficult hike for scenic views of the entirety of today’s stops (look at that idiot flying around on a water jet pack). As an added bonus, the pillbox at the top of the hill has eroded (like morality in today’s society) into a picturesque graffiti-canvas. Once you’ve reached the graffiti, you can keep hiking, but you’re better off turning back, as you’ve already reached “peak” views.
Average duration: 60 minutes. Bring water and hike later in the afternoon to avoid overexposure.
Kailua Beach Park
You wanted to see beaches, didn’t you? Well, be careful what you wish for because you’re going to see so many beaches, and so many in the same day even, that your head is going to explode… with tender feelings of joy and relaxation, especially around sundown. Kailua is consistently ranked as the #2 beach on Oahu, behind neighboring Lanikai, and proponents of game theory might argue you will have a much better shot at finding an unobstructed space to lie down here. Besides, Lanikai gets enough attention and will barely even notice you. Don’t get us wrong, Lanikai is fine during the day but at sunset, you want to come home to Kailua.
Suggested duration: 1-2 hours. Visit www.hawaiianbeachrentals.com for operating hours and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: kailua
DAY 3: Flirting with Disaster (Pearl City)
Must SEE: nu’uanu pali lookout
As far as views go, Nu’uanu Pali, with its incredibly easy access, is matched only by the sheer intensity of the wind, threatening to give you a much closer view of the distant grounds below. Sure, tourists abound but they hop on and off the bus like they have a 4 pm cruise ship to catch and miss out on the best part of the lookout, the hike to the “puka,” or cliff-hole. It’s likely for the best as those sort of people are prime candidates for hiking accidents, and there isn’t much room anyway on the narrow path to the top, between two sheer drop-offs. If you fall somewhere between extreme hiker and cowardly tourist, take the forest path, bypassing the scary ridge, and giving you a shortcut to the top. On the road to success, there are plenty of shortcuts, or something like that.
Suggested duration: 30-60 minutes. Visit www.hawaii-guide.com for more information. Bring water, hike early to avoid excess sun.
HIKING OPTION A: lulumahu falls (INTERMEDIATE)
A 2.5 mile round trip takes you past a 50-foot waterfall - you wish it was the other way around, but like most relationships, you’ll settle for what you can get. Nearby Manoa falls actually present the opposite but it’s a longer drive to access and more heavily trafficked so Lulumahu, though a bit more unkempt (you know you like it that way), is actually the preferable “fall-” back option.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Bring water.
Hiking Option B: Moanalua Valley Trail START (Difficult)
As if there weren’t enough things to do in Honolulu, clear your schedules for this 9.6 mile trek, rated difficult for its slippery slopes and 3,000+ foot elevation gain. The hardest part, however, is fighting the temptation to hike the Haiku Stairs, aka the famed Stairway to Heaven. We won’t tell you how because your family will sue us after you inevitably and violently perish but there may or may not be some information out there about how to access it through a simple Google search (hint hint, nudge nudge). Also, keep in mind that security has stepped up their game so you’ll probably have to fend off police dogs and helicopters which may or may not be fitted with turret guns, and just like that you’re in a 1980’s action flick with a roided Dolph Lundgren hot on your tail (though who wouldn’t mind that beefcake hot on their tail). In reality, you’re facing a $1000 fine, not worth it when other must-see places in Honolulu are risk-free, so best to avoid it altogether, though there’s plenty of info out there on how one can access the stairs at the end of the legal trail for a risky photo. It’s too bad YOLO is not a valid defense in a court of law.
Average duration: 5-7 hours. Bring water and hike early to avoid overexposure to sun.
Hiking option C: ‘aiea loop trail (moderate)
At 4.9 miles and just over a 1,000 foot elevation gain, Aiea Loop is a more moderately-rated hike than nearby Moanalua and, with only legal trails, is a better option for those who have poor impulse control when it comes to trespassing on dangerous, restricted trails (a very obscure but still notable subset of the impulse control disorder population). Just like pretty much all the hikes on this lush, volcanic island, there will be mud, but there will also be views, so pack accordingly - a pair of spikes and a 2.5L bottle of awe.
Average duration: 2-3 hours. Bring water and hike early to avoid overexposure to sun.
HIKING OPTION D: manana ridge trail (difficult)
Of all the potential hikes you can attempt today, Manana Ridge is by far the most rugged, the most muddy, and has the least impressive payoff (cool waterfall and mostly mainland views). Nevertheless, if you are one of those alternative types that are drawn to things of less quality, just because they’re alternative, so you can feel like you know things others don’t, this is for you. Keep in mind, it’s still Hawaii, so even things of lesser quality are far better than things from whatever hellhole you came from.
Average duration: 2-3 hours. Bring water and hike early to avoid overexposure to sun.