DAY 1: The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow (Pearl Harbor)
MUST-SEE: pearl harbor national memorial (USS Arizona) - *ADVANCE BOOKING REQUIRED*
On December 7, 1941, the Imperial Japanese Navy launched a devastating airborne attack on the US naval base at Pearl Harbor, resulting in the death of 2,400 Americans and drawing the US into World War II against Japan and by association, Nazi Germany. The memorial, built in 1962, encompasses most of the area where the attack took place, most notably punctuated by the Arizona Memorial, which rests perpendicularly atop the hull of the torpedoed ship, the final resting place of just over 1,100 U.S servicemen.
Visiting a sobering memorial is certainly not what one might imagine when conjuring up images of a trip to Hawaii but it remains nevertheless a significant historical artifact, which may even enhance your appreciation of your relaxing days ahead - a privilege afforded to you by the sacrifices of others past. You can cross “airborne Japanese attack” off your list of common beach worries.
Unless you’re an avid history buff with precious relaxation time to kill, you can skip the Visitor Center exhibits. Most of what you’ll need to know about the attack and aftermath can be absorbed from the 23 minute film preceding your boat ride to the Arizona. Once aboard, there’s not much to do but stand in quiet reflection just above what amounts to a mass water-grave (emphasis on the quiet part). Back on the mainland, end your visit at the Remembrance Circle, restoring the individuality of the many lives lost.
Suggest duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.nps.gov for tickets, operating hours, and more information. Please note that the “Arizona Memorial Program,” which includes the film and access to the memorial, must be booked in advance and up to eight weeks prior.
DO More: battleship missouri memorial
A fitting juxtaposition to the sunk and solemn Arizona, the Battleship Missouri stands tall and unblemished almost as if watching over its fallen brother. Despite having a lengthy military resume, Missouri is best known for being the site of Japanese surrender on September 2, 1945 (though can you really call yourself a fan if you didn’t follow its activity through the Korean War?), the act that marked the end of World War II. It was decommissioned in 1955, but unexpectedly returned to action in 1984, just in time for Operation Desert Storm (a return almost as surprising as Hulk Hogan’s return to WWE in 2014, though with its dignity still intact). It’s worth taking a free 35 minute guided tour for efficiency sake and so you don’t overstay your welcome (hehem, Hulk Hogan).
Suggested Duration: 45 minutes. Visit www.ussmissouri.org for tickets, operating hours and more information.
DO More: pearl harbor aviation museum
It probably behooved the Hawaiian government to officially reclaim supremacy over its airspace from the Japanese, signified by the opening of this aviation museum in 2006. But it’s not one to gloss over its own flaws, and pretend nothing bad ever happened here (unlike your parents, who casually brush aside your past traumas, thus actively contributing to them) with the battle scars of the Pearl Harbor Attack left in situ, in the hangar which houses the museum. Start your visit with a 12-minute documentary, take a walk through a corridor depicting life in Hawaii before the war, gawk and point like a neanderthal at cool fighter airplanes, before inevitably making your way to the Flight Simulator, allowing you to live through past-war traumas, with a PTSD-inducing dogfight.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.pearlharboraviationmuseum.org for tickets, operating hours and more information.
MUST-SEE: bishop museum
We promise this is the last museum for a while - we know what you’re thinking, as you look up at the bright sun and the clear blue sky right before walking into a cold and dark museum, wondering what could’ve been. Unique among the US states, Hawaii is one of the few places where you put yourself in a better position as a tourist just having a decent understanding of its specific culture; it could be the difference between getting a last minute table at a popular restaurant, or getting violently stabbed in a back-alley.
Honolulu isn’t the safest of islands, FYI, but we’ll try our best to keep you safe enough to enjoy the finer dining. You can start here by cramming as much information as you can. With over 24 million Polynesian artifacts, 13 million of which are animal specimens, including the third largest bug collection in the world, it can seem overwhelming but your life and dining experience depends on it. You’d be surprised by how effective a deterrent simply rattling off a series of insect “did you knows?” is during an armed robbery.
Suggested duration: 90 minutes. Visit www.bishopmuseum.org for tickets, operating hours and more information.
DO More: lyon arboretum
Finally, some fresh island air and a rainforest to boot. Put your knowledge of native insects to the test at this University of Hawaii-funded botanical garden, which also features an extensive collection of native Hawaiian flora, set on seven + miles of hiking trails. The Native Hawaiian Garden and Overlook offers the most well-rounded experience whereas the Garden of Remembrance gives you a chance to sit in quiet reflection and rehash the horrors of the war in your head. Don’t react. Just breathe and let them pass.
Suggested duration: 60 minutes. Visit www.manoa.hawaii.edu for tickets, operating hours and more information.
Must-SEE: tantalus lookout
With sweeping views across Honolulu, from Tantalus Lookout you can see as far as Pearl Harbor, also giving you a safe viewing distance of the action, in case the Japanese want to rehash the past or if someone else is looking to pick a fight (looking at you, China - no really, we can see you from the hotel says Tulsi Gabbard, Hawaii’s Sarah Palin). You paid your dues in knowledge and made the effort to understand US and Hawaiian history and culture, so you’ve earned this sunset, with minimal hiking to reach it. Only 20 minutes away from downtown, Tantalus Lookout is without a doubt one of the best things to do in Honolulu.
Suggested duration: Visit www.hawaiianplanner.com for operating hours and more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: HONOLULU
DAY 2: King for a Day (Downtown and Waikiki)
MUST-SEE: iolani palace - *Advance booking required*
It’s current iteration completed in 1879, this uniquely styled “American Florentine” palace served as the residence of the rulers of the Kingdom of Hawaii, which seems now like way too chill of a place to necessitate ruling but okay. The Kamehameha dynasty actually began earlier in 1795, but only lasted until 1893, at which point they must’ve collectively decided, “let’s just chill.” Actually, it’s a bit more controversial of a topic, involving a coup of American-educated Hawaiians who turned out to be barely Hawaiian, and coincidentally established a republic with strategic loyalty to the U.S, but let’s just gloss over that for now because “ALOHA!”
Splurge for the docent-guided tour to add some down to earth flavor to the dish, mostly bitterness, especially with regard to the treatment of Queen Liliuokalani, the last of the line, who was sentenced to 5 years hard labor for the heinous crime of defending what was rightfully hers. The nice thing about Hawaii though is that it’s so chill now and far enough away from the mainland that time is ripe for native Hawaiians to seize what’s rightfully theirs - not trying to start an insurrection or anything, just saying.. Once you’re done with the tour and plotting the overthrow of the local US government save time for the Sacred Mount of buried royals.
Suggested duration: 60-90 minutes. Visit www.iolanipalace.org for tickets, operating hours and more information. Reservation for the docent-guided tour must be made several weeks in advance to ensure entrance.
MUST see: king kamehameha statue
The first of the Kamehameha dynasty united all Hawaiian islands into one kingdom in 1810 through his prowess as both a fierce warrior and a savvy diplomat - they don’t make men like they used to. If not for this unification, the islands would’ve likely fallen over to Western control much sooner than they did. If you happen to be here on June 11, or Kamehameha Day, you’ll get a rare treat of seeing the statue draped in Hawaiian wreaths. Knowing his type, he would probably have made a negative tweet about the wreath being effeminate-looking, get cancelled and have his statue taken down but for now, let’s assume the best in people.
Suggested duration: 5-10 minutes. Visit www.gohawaii.com for more information.
DO MORE: elvis aloha from hawaii
The Kamehameha dynasty might be long gone, but for a brief moment, there was a new king in town, one that had the power to unite the islands through the power of love, rock and roll, and copious amounts of opiates. Like the temporary high of painkillers, Elvis's rule over Honolulu was short-lived and limited to the night of January 14, 1973, but his music reverberated all over the world through satellite broadcast and left a lasting enough impression for Elvis to earn his own statue. Maybe it doesn’t have the same grandeur as the statue of the real Hawaiian king, resting near a bush in a parking lot, but worth a detour if you’re from Memphis.
Suggested duration: 5-10 minutes.
do more: Shangri-La Museum of Islamic Art - *Advance booking required*
Looking for more things to see in Honolulu? Celebrating arts and culture of the Islamic world, Shangri-La is housed in the onetime home of tobacco billionaire/philanthropist Doris Duke, who was inspired to start this museum in 1938 after her honeymoon through various Islamic countries - and here the rest of us plebeians are just honeymooning in Hawaii. With over 500 works on view, highlights include the one lusterware mihrab or mosque wall (which indicates the direction of Mecca for the orientation of Muslim prayer) in North America, a smaller copy of the Persian Chehel Sotoun pavilion (“what is this a Chehel Sotoun for ants?”) as well as Bahia Shehab’s populist My People mural.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.shangrilahawaii.org for tickets, operating hours, and more information. Reservations for entry must be made at least two months in advance. Tickets for every month go on sale on the first day of the preceding month.
must see: waikiki beach
Hawaiian for “spouting waters,” Waikiki was once the exclusive playground for Hawaiian royalty until the US-backed republic took over. One might argue that their interest in the islands for “strategic purposes” simply amounted to them wanting control over the islands’ beautiful beaches and even though no historian has actually even said that before, it’s hard to argue with the theory once you step foot on Waikiki, which became world-famous with the opening of the Moana Surfrider hotel, in 1901. With tranquil waters that are perfect for beginners surfing, either take that lesson or just admit you’re afraid of sharks. This is the part where you want to hear that sharks are more afraid of you than you are of them but just look at their faces; there’s no way they are afraid of you. Waikiki Beach is the most notable thing to do in downtown Honolulu, so don’t expect to have the beach to yourself.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.gohawaii.com for more information.
STAY THE NIGHT IN: HONOLULU
DAY 3: Craters of Despair (Diamond Head)
HIKING option A: kau’au Crater trail (Difficult)
With an elevation of 2,100 feet, Kau’au features Three Waterfalls and a Crater, starring Hugh Grant, and is rated D for difficult but you can still match the difficulty of the hike to your ability. For example, beginners can turn back at the first waterfall (and return with the same lingering sense of failure that has accompanied you for the extent of your adult life), while the ‘experts’ among us go the distance to the crater and back, a muddy, slippery journey (yet still can’t quite shake that feeling that your life is a waste). Whether you are a beginner or expert, or something in between, Kau’au is of the best things to do in Honolulu.
Average duration: 4-6 hours. Visit www.oahuhike.com for operating hours and more information.
HIKING option b: Wiliwilinui Hiking Trail (intermediate)
Not as high up but significantly easier to hike then Kau’au, with similarly sweeping views, Wiliwilinui Trail is accessible by asking for a hiking permit from a gated community security guard, as if he doesn’t have enough on his plate already. The hike’s rated intermediate. It starts off easy with steps to ascend, but lulls you into a false sense of security; you’ll be using ropes by the end.
Average duration: 2-4 hours. Visit www.oahuhike.com for operating hours and more information.
HIKING option c: DIAMOND HEAD CRATER HIKE (EASY)
A mostly flat, crater path takes you through an old military complex and up through a pillbox, or a military guard post (not the plastic container that you keep your psychiatric medicine inside, which you unfortunately forgot to pack with you and are now descending more and more, with each growing day, into a “crater” of despair). You don’t have to ask permission to access this hike but you do have to pay $5. But it’s worth it for the sweeping coast views, a temporary distraction from your inner demons.
Average duration: 1-2 hours. Visit dlnr.hawaii.gov for operating hours and more information.
diamond head beach park
Whichever path you chose in hiking and life, you’ve no doubt struggled both physical and mentally, but you made it nevertheless and have earned some R&R at Diamond Head Beach. With a smaller crowd than Waikiki you almost feel like its your own private beach, like the royals of Hawaii old - it’s a free, public park though, so get a hold of yourself. In the event you’ve yet to wear your-self out (or if your prescription stimulants haven’t worn off) this is a great place to put yesterday’s surfing lessons to the test. And don’t worry about sharks here, if anything is going to kill you here, it’s falling onto a coral reef, so read signs and exercise caution.
Suggested duration: 2-3 hours. Visit www.hawaiianbeachrentals.com for operating hours and more information.